Sort of.
I have spent a lot of time trying to reflect on things lately and, you know, "figure myself out." Well low and behold, I figured something out.
I figured out that I don't really know what the hell to do with myself about 90% of the time. And the more I think of it, I think its something I have always had.
I still remember being in high school and watching emotionally deep TV shows like 'The Real World' and get motivated to do some "self-reflecting" just like they were doing and deciding that I'm going to really need to start journaling to "re-evaluate" my life. I realize that makes no sense but the point is, I was never satisfied by just watching TV, I always had to be DOING something, creating something, or being more actively involved with the world and thus, more stimulated.
Turns out, this tendency does not just die.
I was always in awe of others who say they can sit and just read a magazine. I may be able to read an article if its interesting to me, and short, but I rarely do that only, without simultaneously doing something else. STIMULATION.
I've basically known this about myself for a while, and I'm still trying to reconcile this fact with the fact that I also am more introverted than I initially thought. Now that I'm less worried about what I "should" be doing on the weekends (binge drinking at bars), I realize that I really like solitary activities like listening to audio CDs (I can multi-task as I do them! woo!), writing in here, and reading. However, I really cannot do some of these activities for that long without getting bored or distracted. And that is not necessarily consistent with the characteristics of a full-blown introvert.
I recently read the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, and it shed some insight onto this issue. The author, Susan Cain, talks about introversion and extroversion being on a continuum, and the importance of knowing yourself and working to find your "Sweet Spot." This is the level of stimulation and re-charging that you need to achieve a maximum level of enjoyment/productivity.
For extremely introverted people, the importance of solitary re-energizing is clear. For me, although I identify with some of the introvert qualities, I'm not 100% sold on my need to re-energize with solitude. In fact, I typically feel energized when I exercise with other people and then come home to shower and relax. However, I definitely think I express myself better through writing than speaking (a more introverted quality), I'm a good listener, and I am definitely self-reflective, or I wouldn't have started this random blog.
Ok - this is silly, I'm going to go take an introvert/extrovert test and see what comes up. Be back in a bit.
Alright, I took the test on this website: http://www.theguardian.com/science/quiz/2012/mar/13/quiz-are-you-an-introvert
And I scored 11 out of 20 so essentially, I'm an ambivert, with a slight tendency towards introversion.
So what the heck does all this mean???! I'm not exactly sure. I was recently told that the secret to happiness is self-love and acceptance, so I suppose this attempting to understand myself and "re-evaluate my life" and myself that has been there so consistently, is really just an urge to understand myself, so I can then accept myself.
I also recently read Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin, who goes by the mantra "Be Gretchen" for her happiness project.
So in attempt to Be Shawn, I need to accept myself and accept the things I actually feel energized by instead of trying to force myself to do or like things I think I should enjoy.
I feel energized by writing in a way that feels authentic and real (if disorganized). I feel energized by helping people achieve their goals. I feel energized by running with others or being around other people in an exercise setting (yoga class). I also feel energized by "reading" an audio CD while cleaning.
No matter how much I "try to relax" with the following activities, I don't feel energized by: long hours in front of the TV (unless its a motivating, inspiring show), movies (again, only sometimes), FACEBOOK (most of the time), random internet searching, running alone (only once and a while do I find this energizing).
The jury is still out on some new potential activities I've tried, like: learning guitar, painting, crocheting, and learning to cook, although I think at least a few have promise.
The jury is still out on some new potential activities I've tried, like: learning guitar, painting, crocheting, and learning to cook, although I think at least a few have promise.
And the point is, all of this is OK. I think I, and perhaps many of us, spend a lot of time doing things we feel we "should enjoy" without realizing that perhaps we are fighting a losing battle. So here's to self-knowledge and acceptance and doing things because we actually freaking love to do them.
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