Learning How To Relax

When I first walk out the door of my office building, I feel the familiar and welcome flood of relief and accomplishment as I embark on my walk home. Another day in the books. Another day crossed off the calendar. This accomplishment glow lasts about... 5 minutes, sometimes less. And before long, I realize that now I have to go home. This is a great thing! Right?

Sort of. 

I have spent a lot of time trying to reflect on things lately and, you know, "figure myself out." Well low and behold, I figured something out. 

I figured out that I don't really know what the hell to do with myself about 90% of the time. And the more I think of it, I think its something I have always had.

I still remember being in high school and watching emotionally deep TV shows like 'The Real World' and get motivated to do some "self-reflecting" just like they were doing and deciding that I'm going to really need to start journaling to "re-evaluate" my life. I realize that makes no sense but the point is, I was never satisfied by just watching TV, I always had to be DOING something, creating something, or being more actively involved with the world and thus, more stimulated.

Turns out, this tendency does not just die. 

I was always in awe of others who say they can sit and just read a magazine. I may be able to read an article if its interesting to me, and short, but I rarely do that only, without simultaneously doing something else. STIMULATION.

I've basically known this about myself for a while, and I'm still trying to reconcile this fact with the fact that I also am more introverted than I initially thought. Now that I'm less worried about what I "should" be doing on the weekends (binge drinking at bars), I realize that I really like solitary activities like listening to audio CDs (I can multi-task as I do them! woo!), writing in here, and reading. However, I really cannot do some of these activities for that long without getting bored or distracted. And that is not necessarily consistent with the characteristics of a full-blown introvert.

I recently read the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, and it shed some insight onto this issue. The author, Susan Cain, talks about introversion and extroversion being on a continuum, and the importance of knowing yourself and working to find your "Sweet Spot." This is the level of stimulation and re-charging that you need to achieve a maximum level of enjoyment/productivity. 

For extremely introverted people, the importance of solitary re-energizing is clear. For me, although I identify with some of the introvert qualities, I'm not 100% sold on my need to re-energize with solitude. In fact, I typically feel energized when I exercise with other people and then come home to shower and relax. However, I definitely think I express myself better through writing than speaking (a more introverted quality), I'm a good listener, and I am definitely self-reflective, or I wouldn't have started this random blog.

Ok - this is silly, I'm going to go take an introvert/extrovert test and see what comes  up. Be back in a bit.

Alright, I took the test on this website: http://www.theguardian.com/science/quiz/2012/mar/13/quiz-are-you-an-introvert

And I scored 11 out of 20 so essentially, I'm an ambivert, with a slight tendency towards introversion. 

So what the heck does all this mean???! I'm not exactly sure. I was recently told that the secret to happiness is self-love and acceptance, so I suppose this attempting to understand myself and "re-evaluate my life" and myself that has been there so consistently, is really just an urge to understand myself, so I can then accept myself. 

I also recently read Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin, who goes by the mantra "Be Gretchen" for her happiness project. 

So in attempt to Be Shawn, I need to accept myself and accept the things I actually feel energized by instead of trying to force myself to do or like things I think I should enjoy. 

I feel energized by writing in a way that feels authentic and real (if disorganized). I feel energized by helping people achieve their goals. I feel energized by running with others or being around other people in an exercise setting (yoga class). I also feel energized by "reading" an audio CD while cleaning. 

No matter how much I "try to relax" with the following activities, I don't feel energized by: long hours in front of the TV (unless its a motivating, inspiring show), movies (again, only sometimes), FACEBOOK (most of the time), random internet searching, running alone (only once and a while do I find this energizing).

The jury is still out on some new potential activities I've tried, like: learning guitar, painting, crocheting, and learning to cook, although I think at least a few have promise.

And the point is, all of this is OK. I think I, and perhaps many of us, spend a lot of time doing things we feel we "should enjoy" without realizing that perhaps we are fighting a losing battle. So here's to self-knowledge and acceptance and doing things because we actually freaking love to do them. 

Big Ten 10K: A Familiar Wake Up Call

I'm gonna cut to the chase and skip to the lesson learned this morning. Unfortunately, I've "learned" this lesson before.

Lesson:
Just because you decide the week of a race that you really want a certain time, does not meant you will get it.

Weird, right? 

I "learned" this after running a half marathon in Nashville, but clearly it needed to be re-learned. About a week before the race in Nashville, I decided it would be really cool to break 2 hours. This was not totally unreasonable but quite a stretch. So when mile 12 hit, about 1 mile after the 2-hour pace group chugged past my slowing pace (I started way too fast), I became so sad because I realized I didn't have it in me to run the last mile in the time I needed to beat my "goal time." So I broke down on the side of the race and started crying, then I quit. 

Ok, not really. For like 3 seconds I was disappointed then I smiled and realized I was about to finish a 1/2 marathon. I finished in 2:01. 

Today was similar, although I missed my goal time, of beating my last 10K time (in June 2012 I ran it in 53 mins, 8:32 min/mile pace), by quite a bit. I finished in around 57 minutes, which is about a 9:15 min/mile pace.

You see, I sometimes forget that I'm training for a marathon, not a 10K, and I didn't put any focus on speedwork lately. I'm also running alone most of the time, unless I'm doing a long run so I'm never going much faster than 9:00 min/miles. Makes it kinda hard to pull out 8:20s for 6 miles. Again, weird. 

I started off strong but died around mile 3. I was getting these weird chest pains on my left side that freaked me out so I slowed down. Although I probably should not be too surprised because I gave blood on Thursday. Again, not really setting myself up for success here.

The good thing is, like most races, completing this re-invigorated me to get more serious about training and what I'm putting in my body (2 slices of deep dish pizza also may have not been the most ideal pre-race snack). 

I also need to realize that if I want to keep getting faster, I need to run with other people. Although I can push myself for a short treadmill workout for like 3 miles, I'm much less likely to push the pace for 5+ miles. 

I have several new goals moving forward:
 - Get out and try to run with groups, meet people, and find people with similar racing/running goals and paces whose schedules I can work with
 - Run another 10K and this time really train to work towards beating my old time. I've run a 15K in 8:25 pace, so I should be able to run a 10K in 8:20 pace, with a little training.
 - Although I'm not doing weight watchers, I've been eating fairly well, but not losing any weight, so I want to work on two things: 1) portion sizes with heavier foods (1 slice of deep dish is seriously almost ALWAYS enough, I know this, but its sooooo good); and 2) eating fresher healthier foods. 

To achieve these goals,, I made plans to run 6 miles with a girl I met as part of the Lululemon run club on Tuesday morning. I may also end up doing the Shred415 workout on Thursday night in Oz park because last time it was a pretty great workout.

Eric is visiting so he and I went to Mariano's today and we are making fresh tilapia tacos tonight with a cucumber salsa and fresh fruit salad. YUM! 

Now I just need to find a 10K to sign up for! 

This ish is about to get serious

Its crazy to me that I ran 12 miles last week and 11 miles before, and now the REAL training is about to begin. Holy sh*t.

This weekend I'm planning to run 14 miles, which is the farthest I've ever run before. 

Dramatic comments aside, I'm actually feeling pretty good. Besides a few moments where I wonder why the heck I am doing this, I think that for the most part I've enjoyed training so far. 

My motivation is based on working towards getting stronger and staying healthy for the race. I hope to be able to run the whole thing, ideally in less than 10:00min/miles, maybe around 9:30. 

That said, I just wanna finish a marathon and have fun. I am already feeling like this is the only one I will ever do, but I guess talk to me October 14th and we will see if that changes.

I think I'm doing this for the right reasons, for a new and challenging life experience and so far, the motivation it is giving me is working quite well. 

I'm sure October 13th will be here before I know it!

Stop Asking Yourself Questions that Suck

I really like the website www.tinybuddha.com. It was introduced to me by my good friend Sapna, and I've been reading it on and off for several years. Dream alert: I would love to write a post in there one day. 

One of the recent articles caught my eye, but mostly because I mis-read the title. I thought it said: Stop Asking Yourself Questions that Suck, when it really said, Stop Asking Yourself Questions that Keep you Stuck.

I still keep reading it wrong each time I pull it up, and it makes me giggle. Same basic idea though! 

So what are some questions that suck? I can tell you, because I ask preeeettty much all of them.

How bout some of these:
"Am I good enough?" - a personal frequent visitor in my own head
"Can I really do this?" - also a persistent one
"Am I capable of this?"
"What if I fail?" 
"Am I making a fool of myself?" 
etc....

Dang it.

So, what do we do? Notice it, and choose to engage in other more helpful thoughts. The above ones, are freaking immobilizing. So we ask ourselves (per recommendation of the article): a more helpful question, like "What question can I replace it with that will help me move forward?"

For me, a lot of my self doubt is surrounding my career lately. I love what I do, but I'm frequently doubting myself. Partly because this career is ambiguous and I'm super new at it and I'm trying to get better, but the above unhelpful thoughts are not useful. 

So, when I'm doubting my efficacy with a client or with a group, instead of the above, I change the questions to:

"How can I work to connect with this person?"
"How can I make the information easily understandable and informative, while also motivating change?" 
"How can I elicit the person to engage in their own change and support them?" 
"How much guidance does this person need?" 

Acknowledging the difficulties I face is not super fun, but its exciting when I think about the possibilities it brings up. When I'm feeling more confident and less tied in my stuff, I connect better and leave sessions feeling more capable. I am able to identify where it's coming from and move through it quickly, without wasting too much time stuck there.

What unhelpful questions do you ask yourself that suck and hold you back? ;-)

xoxo, S.

Positive Thinking

I'm all about new plans.

I have a new plan moving forward. Don't worry folks, this one is foolproof. It can't go wrong and nothing bad can come of it. 

Here it is: 

I plan to stay positive and not allow myself to fall into hopelessness or self-pity or self criticism.

You see, it turns out that I'm imperfect. And that means I mess up. Like right now, I'm 1/2 way through Ben and Jerry's Half Baked. And I already had a dessert today (organic blueberry muffin, yum!) but I still bought it from the store earlier. You see, I wanted to relax and eat something in front of the TV. Again, in isolation, this is clearly not a problem, but its part a of larger pattern for me that leads to weight gain.

But on the new plan, that's ok! Good even. On the new plan, this is perceived as a minor set back. Solution: get back on track and recognize that its time to cut down on the TV watching and eating. Result: I enjoy the ice cream (mostly although it was a bit mindless since I was watching a movie at the same time), didn't beat myself up. Cool huh? This is much more fun than my previous response which would be to beat myself, criticize myself for "failing again" and trying to decide a better plan moving forward. 

The new plan feels really good. It's now later in the day and I did finish my yogurt, but I also made 6 healthy protein rich salads, and healthy snacks for tomorrow (greek yogurt, frozen berries, and granola). 

By not beating myself up, I was free to spend the time and energy on making healthy foods for the week and cleaning out the fridge. I spent zero time berating myself internally and draining myself of any positive moods or energies. 

So that's my plan and I'm sticking to it. I'll let you know, not how it goes, but what the positive results end of being... ;-)

Self-Acceptance and Compassion Quotes

"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." - Joseph Campbell

"Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship with myself." - Nathaniel Brand

"Lack of forgiveness causes almost all of our self-sabotaging behavior." - Mark Victor Hansen

I need these quotes this morning and moving forward in this week to remember what I know to be true. Self-compassion and acceptance are hugely important for anyone. I've found them to be particularly challenging for me. Just when I think I've started to develop them, I feel they are slipping away.

This weekend for some reason my expectations for myself became unreasonably high and it stressed me out. Self-compassion is the key. I always am more productive and effective when I believe and buy into the above..

Have a good week everyone! xoxo, S.

Inside out

Do you ever have times where things are going well and you feel like if you talk about it, you will somehow disrupt the flow and mess it up? It happened to G and I the other day when we were playing "lightning" on the bball court. We both kept making shots over and over (me from the free throw line and him from the 3-point line), like at least 3-4 in a row each, and finally I commented on how awesome we were doing, and of course, I missed the next shot.

That's how I feel now, because things are going quite well with eating and exercise. I'm a little scared to write about it, for fear of scaring it away, but I also think its important for me to figure out what the heck is working so I can keep it going, so here goes... 

The main difference between now and my last post about how I was struggling, besides taking the pressure off of myself to count WW points, is that I picked up a book I had purchased a while back and started reading through and doing the steps. The book is by a woman named Renee Stephens, who is the author of a free podcast called Inside Out Weight Loss, and I've been listening to the podcasts (there are over 200 of them) for at least 4 years now (geez, I didn't realize how long until I calculated that just now). 

There are many different types of tools in the podcast and the book, many of which overlap with how psychology might intervene for eating and weight problems and a few that are different. I still remember when I first listened to the podcast, I thought she was idealistic and unrealistic about the weight struggle, but I continued listening and now I think she may just have it right. 

Renee emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between two types of motivation. "Away from" motivation is the motivation to get away from negative feelings that you might have. So, for weight loss, I am sick of feeling "weird" or anxious around food and I'm sick of being super self-critical in relation to food and my weight. I'm sick of it overtaking my life and being the only thing I think about or write about, and I want to move away from all of that crap, as quickly as I can. "Away from" motivation can also include feeling fat in your clothes or being upset that your pants no longer fit. I'm lucky in that this has not been a big factor in a while for me. I have semi-accepted my body, although I will admit I still focus on my stomach sometimes and how I would like it to look flatter/thinner/whatever.

So, most people know what their away from motivators are, but she also emphasizes the importance of "towards motivation", or what you DO want instead of struggling with weight/food issues. For me, I want to move towards living life with ease, energy, and passion. Being relaxed around and even somewhat indifferent to food because I have other things in my life that are more exciting and/or relaxing. I want to fully experience life with all the emotions it brings. 

Sometimes just the prospect of this can feel overwhelming. I just turned on an episode of Buying and Selling on HGTV last night, and after watching for about 10 minutes I was getting teary, because it was about a family who's mother had died and they needed to downsize their house to have money for the kids college funds. For me, fully experiencing the emotions of life means connecting emotionally with lots of things around me, and sometimes that means TV shows I've been watching for about 2 seconds.

Renee also emphasizes determining our reasons for overeating, and what the positive intent is for us. I figured out that part of the positive intent for me is to dampen down some of my emotional responses, because sometimes feeling all of it seems too scary or overwhelming. The positive intention is comfort and safety/security, but now that I've uncovered it, I would like to move to a place of allowing the full experience in, and embracing it.

Perhaps its my identified "towards motivation" that has helped me over the past week or so. I've definitely had a good deal of energy and felt excited and motivated at work. I've made a point to have healthy snacks available, and enjoyed the feeling of being nourished but not overly stuffed each day. 

I'm excited to continue to live life this way and it does not feel like work. The cool thing is, my weight is at a similar number as it was after my first week in WW. And to be honest, as I build muscle, I'll be less and less concerned about the number and more how I feel in my body and how my clothes fit. 

The most exciting part of all of this (and I think this may indicate a true difference in the way I'm thinking) is that I'm finding more time and energy to focus on what my dreams are, work-related or otherwise. More on that later... 

With love and excitement, xoxo, S.