The past week or so has not been great, eating-wise. Not great at all. I'm back to familiar ways of thinking about things, that I have not done in a while. I'm back to thinking that I will "start again tomorrow and start fresh" and I'm back to eating more the night before that "starting fresh." I'm eating way past full again and it does not feel good. Not good at all.
The past few days, I even have been doubting whether being on Weight Watchers is the right move right now, because it is another diet and since I'm planning to work out 6 days a week (once I stop skipping workouts like I did tonight), I'm worried that I cannot balance the amount of points that should go with the amount of exercise I'm doing since it will gradually be ramping up.
If I'm being totally honest with myself, it started to overwhelm me and it felt like too much. I'm even scared to weigh myself and assess the "damage."
The reason I'm hesitant to write this, is because its exactly this indecision/behavior that I'm ashamed of. I don't yet know the right path for me for all of this. I haven't figured out a way of eating and exercise that works for me yet. I know that is ok, but I also feel like I should have gotten it figured out by now. I've only been stressing about all of this for 12+ years.
I've laid off the weight watchers tracking for a bit, as I get a handle on this training stuff. Training is going well (did 9 miles yesterday and felt pretty good, despite the significant humidity) but I am definitely really tired most days, especially yesterday.
I look back to my first week of WW and I remember how easy and sustainable it all felt. To be fair, this was when I was doing much less activity (I'm also walking to work now for a total of 3 miles and 50 mins of walking each day) so I still need to figure out how to do that with my new activity level. I'm realizing more and more that this is a lot to think about. And I keep asking myself: Wouldn't it be nice and easier if you could just listen to your hunger and fullness signals to know how much to eat, and make healthy choices and call it a day?
That is my dream. I dream that one day I will be able to consistently listen to my body, honor its signals, and eat in a way that energizes me to live the rest of my life. Since I relaxed a bit on the plan, however, I've been back to listening to my body since yesterday evening and feeling a little more balanced.
Despite all my struggles and indecision about the "best plan" the past few weeks, I'm not giving up. I'm here and I'm going to write through my thoughts and feelings along the way because it helps give me some additional clarity even more than talking through all of this.
Heading to yoga now at the new gym. Happy Sunday!
xoxo, S., struggling, but committed
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