As I was thinking about what types of things I will write about on this blog, I realized that it probably wont be too much about weight loss or food itself. Instead, when I ask myself why I'm doing this, I realize that its really about trying to fully own my story.
As you all know, I provide psychological services to individuals and groups and my area of expertise is in helping individuals make changes to their eating behavior (e.g., binge eating treatment) or to lose weight. Before I entered this field, I struggled with feelings of shame about being someone who struggles with eating. Now that I'm in the field, my shame and fear has been magnified due to the fact that I provide the exact service to others that I (at times) need myself.
The fact that I work in this field has had pros and cons for dealing with my own struggle. Or maybe just cons and a few pros that are not altogether positive.
Potential pro: Part of my job is to read up and be aware of most of the updated research on the topic, so I remained educated on the topic.
Why it kinda isn't a pro: You might think this would help me with my own struggle, but I think it only does so in a minimal way. The knowledge about how to change your thoughts and behavior only goes so far, and many of us need to connect with others, share our story, and feel loved and accepted for who we are regardless of whatever struggles/imperfections we might have in order to make lasting change. So while I'm not saying it does not help to know the best foods to eat and the generally most effective strategies to use, that in itself does not seem to do it for most people, me included.
Potential pro: I know I'm not alone because I see lots of other people struggling with similar issues.
Why it kinda isn't a pro: This also helps in only a minimal way, in my opinion. When I finish a group session that goes really well, I feel energized, excited, and inspired, but I don't really feel supported, nor do I think I should. As stated above, I'm there for them, not me, so I would not expect to feel supported afterwards. We talk about their specific issues/concerns, not mine. And while I think this helps me help them, it does little for me, which is one of the main reasons I'm writing this blog: to focus on determining what has held me back and move through it.
To be clear, my individual and group sessions are not a place where I typically share about myself, unless it seems directly relevant to the patient's problem. And so far, I have not deemed it necessary or useful to share with any patients about my own eating struggles. My suggestions are typically based on research and based on the experiences of many other people with whom I've worked.
Con: I become VERY prone to the "should" thinking. Anyone who has struggled with anxiety or depression or helped someone through it likely knows that this type of thinking is a major red flag for distorted thinking. This is where I believe I "should" be over my eating issues by now because I know so much about it. This leads to the anxiety that maybe I'm not qualified to help others if I can't help myself, which leads to more stress, and makes me less effective, or makes me more likely to beat myself up if I do something that I "shouldn't" (like heaven-forbid, eat a dang cookie in response to stress <enter sarcasm>) which can perpetuate the cycle of overeating.
Con: Similar to above, I develop all or nothing thinking when it comes to proving to myself that I'm "over" my eating struggle. I try to categorize myself as "I used to struggle with eating stuff, but now I don't yay!" or "I still struggle and therefore I am incompetent at helping others" eek! As you may guess, the latter explanation leads to anxiety and although I don't believe that's true (I've talked to lots of people that I trust and there is not indication that I'm doing harm to any patients based on not working through my stuff first), it can still freak me out in the moment and cause unnecessary stress.
Considering all of the above, I've come to a firmer conclusion about why I'm writing this blog: to figure out a way to make sense of what I do and how it relates (or doesn't) to my own struggle. I'm still not 100% positive where this will lead, but I have a gut feeling that I need to make sense of my own story and my own struggle to be even more available to help others.
Thanks again for reading! More coming soon on some of the actual changes I have made or am working on making!
1 comment:
You are so smart! I love the points you make in this post. And I know it's kind of vulnerable to share this stuff, but it is refreshing and inspiring to hear the "realness" of the eating stuff. :)
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