(written on 5/28/13)
"Lets play a game!" - said little me during ANY long car trip. Riding silently or listening to music or looking at the scenery as we drove by = not enough. I needed stimulation.
Apparently, I've been this way my whole life. Even as a baby, if you took me into the bedroom to put me to bed, but I could hear that there was a social gathering still going on outside, I would cry until someone came to get me. Take me out into the middle of the gathering so I was not "missing" anything, and I'd fall riiiight to sleep.
Today, on the train rides to and from work, I find myself constantly needing to be doing something fun/exciting/productive/stimulating on my phone/iPod/etc, just something, something to take my mind off of... the dreaded nothing.
This need to always be mentally stimulated has some perks. I tend to keep myself busy with a lot of different hobbies and activities and I end up trying a lot of new things (in the past year, it was painting and crocheting; before that, guitar!).
If you have an issue with food though, it can pose a problem.
Because what is the easiest, quickest, more effective in the short-term way to provide fun and excitement or at least some sense of comfort/enjoyment after a long day?
For this girl, the answer is: Food. Snacks. Ice cream. Candy. ANYTHING sweet. Cinnamon sugar toast. Bowls of cereal. Spoonfuls of peanut butter.... ?
Sorry folks, TV just does not do it for me, unless of course its paired with some frozen yogurt!?
All of this is pretty harmless, until it becomes a consistent habit. If it happened once in a while, no big deal, but when you aren't hungry at all and its most nights, it results in some unwanted weight gain. And frankly, eating does not take very long so once I'm done with one bowl of cereal (3.5 minutes later), I'm still bored and therefore need 7 more. Moreover, if/when you feel guilty about eating, that leads to more stress which leads to more eating and the resolve to "do good tomorrow." This has been the pattern for me for a long, long time.
Tonight is definitely one of those nights. I used some flex points for a bowl of granola, greek yogurt, and frozen blackberries, which turned into a second bowl (it was tasty!) and a little munching on granola on the side, and now I'm drinking water. But by writing this out, I'm practicing owning it, reducing guilt, and moving forward. Plus the water is helping me feel quite full... a bit too full, but I'll survive.
Its a work in progress. Live and learn. Its all about the small victories, right?
xoxo, S.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Reflections on week 2
(written on 5/30/13)
I'd much rather not write about week 2. No one really needs to know what happened, right?
I'd much rather not write about week 2. No one really needs to know what happened, right?
But alas, I started writing about my eating journey to be honest and accountable an learn from my mistakes. Dang it...
As I approached the last two days of my week, though I still had 17 weekly points left. However, you don't have to use those and I was trying not to use too many of them because I was feeling like I was eating too much and weighed myself early (another mistake, possibly) on Monday and I had in fact gone up a pound since my first weigh-in.
But I said this was not about the weight right? So did a relax and go back to a place of eating well and feeling good? Well, kinda, at least during the day. But the nights came, boredom set in, and then the dreaded anxiety. For me, its the anxiety/panic that I typically can not place in the moment, but looking back, its me fearing failure before I actually "fail." Not helpful. And I do it a lot, especially with food because of my history of "failures." (although when I'm thinking positively I view them as "learning experiences, yay!")
Well this anxiety lead to boredom/stress eating on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights. Garrett worked late and it was just me and my thoughts. I even wrote half a post about boredom eating but never finished and posted it because I kept getting up to go get more granola... sigh...
But Thursday morning, my stomach hurt a bit from the over-consumption. Even relatively healthy over consumption hurts people. I knew it was gonna be bad, I know my body fairly well. Getting on the scale this morning was not fun.
Deep down I knew this journey would not be bliss although its easy to hope for that and forget that when it is not goign well. Why not deal with a small disappointment right from the get-go? I'm still here and showing up to keep on moving towards my goal of developing a healthy relationship with food and a healthy fit body. Turns out, the line towards that aint always gonna be straight, who knew?! ;)
Week 2... did not go so well. So, here are the mistakes in week 2 that lead to gaining 2.2 lbs:
I had such a great week last week (lost 5 lbs actually), and it was just oh-so-easy, I figured, geez this is gonna be a piece of cake! I relaxed a little too much, then I realized I relaxed too much and instead of calmly re-adjusting, I freaked. I had so much wiggle room in flex points last week that I didn't watch closely over the weekend when we were hanging out at my Aunt Sharon's house. I just assumed I'd have a bunch of points left over and I entered the points after eating. I didn't. On top of that, I felt overly full and was a bit mad at myself about it.
As I approached the last two days of my week, though I still had 17 weekly points left. However, you don't have to use those and I was trying not to use too many of them because I was feeling like I was eating too much and weighed myself early (another mistake, possibly) on Monday and I had in fact gone up a pound since my first weigh-in.
But I said this was not about the weight right? So did a relax and go back to a place of eating well and feeling good? Well, kinda, at least during the day. But the nights came, boredom set in, and then the dreaded anxiety. For me, its the anxiety/panic that I typically can not place in the moment, but looking back, its me fearing failure before I actually "fail." Not helpful. And I do it a lot, especially with food because of my history of "failures." (although when I'm thinking positively I view them as "learning experiences, yay!")
Well this anxiety lead to boredom/stress eating on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights. Garrett worked late and it was just me and my thoughts. I even wrote half a post about boredom eating but never finished and posted it because I kept getting up to go get more granola... sigh...
But Thursday morning, my stomach hurt a bit from the over-consumption. Even relatively healthy over consumption hurts people. I knew it was gonna be bad, I know my body fairly well. Getting on the scale this morning was not fun.
The good thing is, I'm here being honest about it, aaaand, I found a good quote for this week, and for life:
“When we first begin fighting for our dreams, we
have no experience and make many mistakes. The secret of life, though, is to
fall seven times and get up eight times.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Thanks for reading!
xoxo, S.
Monday, May 27, 2013
The elusive "good enough"
"Regardless of who we are, how we are raised, or what we believe, all of us fight hidden, silent battles against not being good enough, not having enough, and not belonging enough. When we find the courage to share our experiences and the compassion to hear other tell their stories, we force shame out of hiding and end the silence." - Brene Brown, PhD, from I Thought It Was Just Me, Making the journey from "What will people think?" to "I am enough."
As a few of you pointed out after my first post, Brene Brown would be proud if she knew what I was doing with this blog. I've been doing a lot of independent reading lately and Brene Brown's work has had quite an impact on how I view myself and my life. Her work is based on qualitative research (interviews and coding of themes) on people's experiences with vulnerability, shame, and courage, and the interconnection between all of these things.
I really like the above quote because it reminds me of something that I find to be extremely easy to forget. When you are going through something and struggling with feelings related to self-worth, it absolutely does not mean you are "depressed," "messed up," "weak," or any of the other long lists of names that people tend to associate with this type of thing. It means you are a NORMAL human being, and not a robot.
I woke up this morning with a very mixed review on my dissertation manuscript from the Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science. I got a revise and re-submit, which is typically a good thing, but the reviews they are asking for are very substantial (make lots of clarifications and make into a much abbreviated brief report; translation: add a bunch of info while cutting down to about half the words) and Reviewer #2 clearly did NOT like my paper at all. Frankly (and I swear I'm not being dramatic here), he/she might as well have said: "Your study was sloppy and poorly planned and you are clearly an idiot" because that was the basic undertone of the comment (okay fine I am being a tad dramatic, BUT, Garrett read it too and he agreed that this guy was unnecessarily harsh. To give you a flavor of this, he/she said, among other things, the paper was "not well written or prepared" which was interesting given that Reviewer #1 said that it was "clear, succinct, well-written, and included a strong review of the literature.")
Does fact that his/her comments made me have severe doubts about myself as a researcher AND as a clinician (he commented on the components of my intervention and suggested that they could be harmful to the participants, which is bullshit, by the way) make me a bad researcher, make me weak, or make me not worthy of being in the field of research? Or does it make me someone who "does not have it together enough or isn't strong enough to withstand criticism"?
Ummm.... maybe?
Alright, after I calmed down and talked it out with Garrett, I clearly now know the answer is no.
We ALL struggle with feelings or worthiness, and a harsh critique on something that matters to us (a project we worked on for the past 3 years or so) will VERY likely bring that up. The fact that I reacted with some anxiety, hurt, and anger towards this unknown person makes me human. Luckily, I had someone that I trust who I could talk to about it, and help me realize the other side of things.
That is, this person was unnecessarily harsh, but if I can separate it out from feeling like I was personally attacked, I can take this for what it is: a learning experience. The alternative is, I can stew over this and be angry at this random person for hating my paper. Which will accomplish, a whole lot of nothing except stressing me out. I can do my best to address each reviewers concern, and I can re-submit my paper. Worst case, scenario, it gets rejected and ya know what? I will probably end up surviving.
When we engage with the world from a place or worthiness, it opens up doors for us and changes the way we see things. The opinions of people on my field matter, but they do not define me, especially people whom I do not even know. This paper does not define me, nor even does my career define me. I am passionate about it, sure, but it is not who I am. While we are at it, my weight also does not define me. No. I am, we are all, so much more than what we look like and what we do.
With this attitude, I feel stronger and more able to address the comments. More able to push through and aim for my goals, even if I end up failing.
The thing is, we will never be "good enough" to avoid criticism. So "good enough" or "perfection" is elusive and unattainable. And frankly, its boring. People are much more interesting as complex and imperfect people, anyways...
Side note/exercise update: Writing about authenticity and imperfection has been quite liberating and I ended up going on a 5 mile turned 6 mile run that felt awesome right after I finished most of this post.
Friday: 3.8 miles
Saturday: 6 miles
Sunday: 1 mile walk with Garrett up near my aunt's house in the Forest Preserves
Monday (today): 6 miles
As a few of you pointed out after my first post, Brene Brown would be proud if she knew what I was doing with this blog. I've been doing a lot of independent reading lately and Brene Brown's work has had quite an impact on how I view myself and my life. Her work is based on qualitative research (interviews and coding of themes) on people's experiences with vulnerability, shame, and courage, and the interconnection between all of these things.
I really like the above quote because it reminds me of something that I find to be extremely easy to forget. When you are going through something and struggling with feelings related to self-worth, it absolutely does not mean you are "depressed," "messed up," "weak," or any of the other long lists of names that people tend to associate with this type of thing. It means you are a NORMAL human being, and not a robot.
I woke up this morning with a very mixed review on my dissertation manuscript from the Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science. I got a revise and re-submit, which is typically a good thing, but the reviews they are asking for are very substantial (make lots of clarifications and make into a much abbreviated brief report; translation: add a bunch of info while cutting down to about half the words) and Reviewer #2 clearly did NOT like my paper at all. Frankly (and I swear I'm not being dramatic here), he/she might as well have said: "Your study was sloppy and poorly planned and you are clearly an idiot" because that was the basic undertone of the comment (okay fine I am being a tad dramatic, BUT, Garrett read it too and he agreed that this guy was unnecessarily harsh. To give you a flavor of this, he/she said, among other things, the paper was "not well written or prepared" which was interesting given that Reviewer #1 said that it was "clear, succinct, well-written, and included a strong review of the literature.")
Does fact that his/her comments made me have severe doubts about myself as a researcher AND as a clinician (he commented on the components of my intervention and suggested that they could be harmful to the participants, which is bullshit, by the way) make me a bad researcher, make me weak, or make me not worthy of being in the field of research? Or does it make me someone who "does not have it together enough or isn't strong enough to withstand criticism"?
Ummm.... maybe?
Alright, after I calmed down and talked it out with Garrett, I clearly now know the answer is no.
We ALL struggle with feelings or worthiness, and a harsh critique on something that matters to us (a project we worked on for the past 3 years or so) will VERY likely bring that up. The fact that I reacted with some anxiety, hurt, and anger towards this unknown person makes me human. Luckily, I had someone that I trust who I could talk to about it, and help me realize the other side of things.
That is, this person was unnecessarily harsh, but if I can separate it out from feeling like I was personally attacked, I can take this for what it is: a learning experience. The alternative is, I can stew over this and be angry at this random person for hating my paper. Which will accomplish, a whole lot of nothing except stressing me out. I can do my best to address each reviewers concern, and I can re-submit my paper. Worst case, scenario, it gets rejected and ya know what? I will probably end up surviving.
When we engage with the world from a place or worthiness, it opens up doors for us and changes the way we see things. The opinions of people on my field matter, but they do not define me, especially people whom I do not even know. This paper does not define me, nor even does my career define me. I am passionate about it, sure, but it is not who I am. While we are at it, my weight also does not define me. No. I am, we are all, so much more than what we look like and what we do.
With this attitude, I feel stronger and more able to address the comments. More able to push through and aim for my goals, even if I end up failing.
The thing is, we will never be "good enough" to avoid criticism. So "good enough" or "perfection" is elusive and unattainable. And frankly, its boring. People are much more interesting as complex and imperfect people, anyways...
Side note/exercise update: Writing about authenticity and imperfection has been quite liberating and I ended up going on a 5 mile turned 6 mile run that felt awesome right after I finished most of this post.
Friday: 3.8 miles
Saturday: 6 miles
Sunday: 1 mile walk with Garrett up near my aunt's house in the Forest Preserves
Monday (today): 6 miles
Friday, May 24, 2013
Official marathon training approaching
I'm excited, I truly am... But gosh sometimes I wonder why I signed up for this thing.
I have made a comfortable exercise routine for myself over the past 6 years. It typically includes running 2-3 days a week. One week, if someone wants me to go to yoga with them I will. My pattern is not rigid, but its fairly routine. Like, I really don't typically like to workout on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays and Mondays are a toss up. If you are counting, thats 3 days, Tues, Thurs, and Sat. And, not gonna lie, I've missed several of those workouts without being too torn up about it. It is VERY rare that I workout more than 3 days, and very very rare that I do more than 4.
I think it hit me kinda hard the other day when I looked at my running training log and realized that I had run 1x over the past week and my weekly mileages were around 9-10 miles, on a DECENT week. Eeek.
They say that before you train for a marathon you should be averaging around 20-25 miles/week and comfortable able to run 5-6 miles consistently.
A year ago, I was close. Today, ehhhh.... not so much.
Soooo as I'm typing all this out its helping me realize, that its time to get my butt into pre-marathon shape, or at least as much as possible before June 10th-ish, the official start date of my training. In an attempt to make my training plan do-able for me, I scheduled 4 days of running and 1-2 days of cross training/strength. But either way, its going to be an adjustment!
Since the long weeked is upon us, it will be a bit easier so I'm hoping to get in a decent amount of running.
My plan for the next 3 days:
Saturday: Run 6-7 miles with the Clocktower Running Group
Sunday: short run (2-3 miles) or just hike near my aunt's house in the suburbs
Monday: Run 5 miles, stretch/yoga at home
I need a bit of accountability/to see it all written out for myself so I will be checking in here over the next few days.
As I said, I am very excited, but nervous. I know marathon training is a huge commitment and although I feel confident I can do it, I know myself and I am going to really need to make time for training.
Enjoy the long weekend everyone. :)
I have made a comfortable exercise routine for myself over the past 6 years. It typically includes running 2-3 days a week. One week, if someone wants me to go to yoga with them I will. My pattern is not rigid, but its fairly routine. Like, I really don't typically like to workout on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays and Mondays are a toss up. If you are counting, thats 3 days, Tues, Thurs, and Sat. And, not gonna lie, I've missed several of those workouts without being too torn up about it. It is VERY rare that I workout more than 3 days, and very very rare that I do more than 4.
I think it hit me kinda hard the other day when I looked at my running training log and realized that I had run 1x over the past week and my weekly mileages were around 9-10 miles, on a DECENT week. Eeek.
They say that before you train for a marathon you should be averaging around 20-25 miles/week and comfortable able to run 5-6 miles consistently.
A year ago, I was close. Today, ehhhh.... not so much.
Soooo as I'm typing all this out its helping me realize, that its time to get my butt into pre-marathon shape, or at least as much as possible before June 10th-ish, the official start date of my training. In an attempt to make my training plan do-able for me, I scheduled 4 days of running and 1-2 days of cross training/strength. But either way, its going to be an adjustment!
Since the long weeked is upon us, it will be a bit easier so I'm hoping to get in a decent amount of running.
My plan for the next 3 days:
Saturday: Run 6-7 miles with the Clocktower Running Group
Sunday: short run (2-3 miles) or just hike near my aunt's house in the suburbs
Monday: Run 5 miles, stretch/yoga at home
I need a bit of accountability/to see it all written out for myself so I will be checking in here over the next few days.
As I said, I am very excited, but nervous. I know marathon training is a huge commitment and although I feel confident I can do it, I know myself and I am going to really need to make time for training.
Enjoy the long weekend everyone. :)
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Reflections on the first week
The first week of being on the Weight Watchers plan is now complete and I officially had a great first week. The cool thing was, I felt great about my week before I jumped on the scale this morning, and here's why:
This weight loss attempt feels really different, and I have a sense of confidence that this time its going to stick over the long haul. Its a strange, but very welcome new feeling. I truly think that just starting this blog and being more open about things with people I trust (even if only a few people actually read it) was an extremely important step for me and may just end up being the difference that makes the difference for me.
With regards to the actual plan, I am finding that I am satisfied with smaller portions, which is similar to what happened with me last time I did WW. I remember feeling last time that I sort of "re-set" my expectations about food and what would fill me up. One of the main problems for me is that even though I eat quite healthy most of the time, I can easily eat twice or three times as much food as I need to be satisfied, without realizing I'm full. Like, hey guess what, grilled cheese and avocado sandwiches on wheat bread are healthy buuuuut I probably do not truly need 3, even though I can eat that much without really being stuffed. Over the past week I ate moderate portions of lots of fruits and veggies and other filling and good foods and was able to fit in a few desserts, Chinese food one day at lunch, and a few glasses of wine thrown into the mix. I never went to bed hungry, but also never felt stuffed.
Overall, I'm finding the tracking process pretty easy and have found some really good options for snacks. My favorite is plain greek yogurt (stay with me, I know it tastes like sour cream) with frozen blueberries and granola. The blueberries add a nice amount of sweetness so I find I really don't need the added sugar of sweetened yogurt!
Since fruits are now zero points on the WW plan (I heart this so much), its easy to feel satisfied as long as I keep a stock of fruits around. This week the staples were bananas, frozen blueberries, and fresh cherries.
Speaking of cherries, I swallowed a cherry pit by accident (snacking of them while making my "breakfast for dinner" last night). I figured it was fine but just to double check I googled "what happens if you swallow a cherry pit?" and got all of these sites saying how it was poisonous! Quite alarming until I read enough down that you really have to chew on like a massive amount of cherry pits to release enough cyanide toxic crap to hurt ya, but it did cause a mini panic for a second there.
Aaaand I'm definitely still obsessed with avocadoes. Below is a picture of my spinach, feta, avocado and red pepper salad. Yes folks, I've become that person who takes pictures of her food...
This weight loss attempt feels really different, and I have a sense of confidence that this time its going to stick over the long haul. Its a strange, but very welcome new feeling. I truly think that just starting this blog and being more open about things with people I trust (even if only a few people actually read it) was an extremely important step for me and may just end up being the difference that makes the difference for me.
With regards to the actual plan, I am finding that I am satisfied with smaller portions, which is similar to what happened with me last time I did WW. I remember feeling last time that I sort of "re-set" my expectations about food and what would fill me up. One of the main problems for me is that even though I eat quite healthy most of the time, I can easily eat twice or three times as much food as I need to be satisfied, without realizing I'm full. Like, hey guess what, grilled cheese and avocado sandwiches on wheat bread are healthy buuuuut I probably do not truly need 3, even though I can eat that much without really being stuffed. Over the past week I ate moderate portions of lots of fruits and veggies and other filling and good foods and was able to fit in a few desserts, Chinese food one day at lunch, and a few glasses of wine thrown into the mix. I never went to bed hungry, but also never felt stuffed.
Overall, I'm finding the tracking process pretty easy and have found some really good options for snacks. My favorite is plain greek yogurt (stay with me, I know it tastes like sour cream) with frozen blueberries and granola. The blueberries add a nice amount of sweetness so I find I really don't need the added sugar of sweetened yogurt!
Since fruits are now zero points on the WW plan (I heart this so much), its easy to feel satisfied as long as I keep a stock of fruits around. This week the staples were bananas, frozen blueberries, and fresh cherries.
Speaking of cherries, I swallowed a cherry pit by accident (snacking of them while making my "breakfast for dinner" last night). I figured it was fine but just to double check I googled "what happens if you swallow a cherry pit?" and got all of these sites saying how it was poisonous! Quite alarming until I read enough down that you really have to chew on like a massive amount of cherry pits to release enough cyanide toxic crap to hurt ya, but it did cause a mini panic for a second there.
Aaaand I'm definitely still obsessed with avocadoes. Below is a picture of my spinach, feta, avocado and red pepper salad. Yes folks, I've become that person who takes pictures of her food...
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
A few more thoughts on the WHY of this blog
As I was thinking about what types of things I will write about on this blog, I realized that it probably wont be too much about weight loss or food itself. Instead, when I ask myself why I'm doing this, I realize that its really about trying to fully own my story.
As you all know, I provide psychological services to individuals and groups and my area of expertise is in helping individuals make changes to their eating behavior (e.g., binge eating treatment) or to lose weight. Before I entered this field, I struggled with feelings of shame about being someone who struggles with eating. Now that I'm in the field, my shame and fear has been magnified due to the fact that I provide the exact service to others that I (at times) need myself.
The fact that I work in this field has had pros and cons for dealing with my own struggle. Or maybe just cons and a few pros that are not altogether positive.
Potential pro: Part of my job is to read up and be aware of most of the updated research on the topic, so I remained educated on the topic.
Why it kinda isn't a pro: You might think this would help me with my own struggle, but I think it only does so in a minimal way. The knowledge about how to change your thoughts and behavior only goes so far, and many of us need to connect with others, share our story, and feel loved and accepted for who we are regardless of whatever struggles/imperfections we might have in order to make lasting change. So while I'm not saying it does not help to know the best foods to eat and the generally most effective strategies to use, that in itself does not seem to do it for most people, me included.
Potential pro: I know I'm not alone because I see lots of other people struggling with similar issues.
Why it kinda isn't a pro: This also helps in only a minimal way, in my opinion. When I finish a group session that goes really well, I feel energized, excited, and inspired, but I don't really feel supported, nor do I think I should. As stated above, I'm there for them, not me, so I would not expect to feel supported afterwards. We talk about their specific issues/concerns, not mine. And while I think this helps me help them, it does little for me, which is one of the main reasons I'm writing this blog: to focus on determining what has held me back and move through it.
To be clear, my individual and group sessions are not a place where I typically share about myself, unless it seems directly relevant to the patient's problem. And so far, I have not deemed it necessary or useful to share with any patients about my own eating struggles. My suggestions are typically based on research and based on the experiences of many other people with whom I've worked.
Con: I become VERY prone to the "should" thinking. Anyone who has struggled with anxiety or depression or helped someone through it likely knows that this type of thinking is a major red flag for distorted thinking. This is where I believe I "should" be over my eating issues by now because I know so much about it. This leads to the anxiety that maybe I'm not qualified to help others if I can't help myself, which leads to more stress, and makes me less effective, or makes me more likely to beat myself up if I do something that I "shouldn't" (like heaven-forbid, eat a dang cookie in response to stress <enter sarcasm>) which can perpetuate the cycle of overeating.
Con: Similar to above, I develop all or nothing thinking when it comes to proving to myself that I'm "over" my eating struggle. I try to categorize myself as "I used to struggle with eating stuff, but now I don't yay!" or "I still struggle and therefore I am incompetent at helping others" eek! As you may guess, the latter explanation leads to anxiety and although I don't believe that's true (I've talked to lots of people that I trust and there is not indication that I'm doing harm to any patients based on not working through my stuff first), it can still freak me out in the moment and cause unnecessary stress.
Considering all of the above, I've come to a firmer conclusion about why I'm writing this blog: to figure out a way to make sense of what I do and how it relates (or doesn't) to my own struggle. I'm still not 100% positive where this will lead, but I have a gut feeling that I need to make sense of my own story and my own struggle to be even more available to help others.
Thanks again for reading! More coming soon on some of the actual changes I have made or am working on making!
As you all know, I provide psychological services to individuals and groups and my area of expertise is in helping individuals make changes to their eating behavior (e.g., binge eating treatment) or to lose weight. Before I entered this field, I struggled with feelings of shame about being someone who struggles with eating. Now that I'm in the field, my shame and fear has been magnified due to the fact that I provide the exact service to others that I (at times) need myself.
The fact that I work in this field has had pros and cons for dealing with my own struggle. Or maybe just cons and a few pros that are not altogether positive.
Potential pro: Part of my job is to read up and be aware of most of the updated research on the topic, so I remained educated on the topic.
Why it kinda isn't a pro: You might think this would help me with my own struggle, but I think it only does so in a minimal way. The knowledge about how to change your thoughts and behavior only goes so far, and many of us need to connect with others, share our story, and feel loved and accepted for who we are regardless of whatever struggles/imperfections we might have in order to make lasting change. So while I'm not saying it does not help to know the best foods to eat and the generally most effective strategies to use, that in itself does not seem to do it for most people, me included.
Potential pro: I know I'm not alone because I see lots of other people struggling with similar issues.
Why it kinda isn't a pro: This also helps in only a minimal way, in my opinion. When I finish a group session that goes really well, I feel energized, excited, and inspired, but I don't really feel supported, nor do I think I should. As stated above, I'm there for them, not me, so I would not expect to feel supported afterwards. We talk about their specific issues/concerns, not mine. And while I think this helps me help them, it does little for me, which is one of the main reasons I'm writing this blog: to focus on determining what has held me back and move through it.
To be clear, my individual and group sessions are not a place where I typically share about myself, unless it seems directly relevant to the patient's problem. And so far, I have not deemed it necessary or useful to share with any patients about my own eating struggles. My suggestions are typically based on research and based on the experiences of many other people with whom I've worked.
Con: I become VERY prone to the "should" thinking. Anyone who has struggled with anxiety or depression or helped someone through it likely knows that this type of thinking is a major red flag for distorted thinking. This is where I believe I "should" be over my eating issues by now because I know so much about it. This leads to the anxiety that maybe I'm not qualified to help others if I can't help myself, which leads to more stress, and makes me less effective, or makes me more likely to beat myself up if I do something that I "shouldn't" (like heaven-forbid, eat a dang cookie in response to stress <enter sarcasm>) which can perpetuate the cycle of overeating.
Con: Similar to above, I develop all or nothing thinking when it comes to proving to myself that I'm "over" my eating struggle. I try to categorize myself as "I used to struggle with eating stuff, but now I don't yay!" or "I still struggle and therefore I am incompetent at helping others" eek! As you may guess, the latter explanation leads to anxiety and although I don't believe that's true (I've talked to lots of people that I trust and there is not indication that I'm doing harm to any patients based on not working through my stuff first), it can still freak me out in the moment and cause unnecessary stress.
Considering all of the above, I've come to a firmer conclusion about why I'm writing this blog: to figure out a way to make sense of what I do and how it relates (or doesn't) to my own struggle. I'm still not 100% positive where this will lead, but I have a gut feeling that I need to make sense of my own story and my own struggle to be even more available to help others.
Thanks again for reading! More coming soon on some of the actual changes I have made or am working on making!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
So, what the heck is all of this about?
Hello family and friends,
Welcome to the beginning of a new topic of my blog. I am excited, and to be honest, also nervous, to share more openly about a part of my life that I've kept mostly private.
Some of you know this and some of you don't, but I have struggled with issues with eating and weight for the majority of my adult life. I believe it was around age 16 when I began focusing on and being dissatisfied with my weight and thus started my first diet. I am pretty sure it was Slimfast and if I recall correctly, it lasted less than a week. I also remember drinking a lot of Cappucino flavored Slimfasts that were pretty good, but made your pee smell very strongly of coffee, but I digress...
On and off since then, I have struggled with various forms and degrees of disordered eating and body image issues. Most of this was in the form of relatively "normal" healthy eating (I never really got into extreme or fad diets), but few diets worked and much of the time I was just left frustrated and embarrassed at having "failed" again, which often lead to shame and emotional/binge eating. I have also had periods where I felt very at peace with food and very "normal" around food and was able to maintain a healthy weight. Most notably was just after college, I joined Weight Watchers online for the summer and lost 15 lbs and maintained it for about a year before beginning to put weight back on. That same summer I also began running regularly, and it has been a huge part of my life ever since.
I am very happy to say that today, my body image is better than ever. I am also happy to say that I feel quite fit, and have been exercising regularly (mostly running, anywhere from 2-6 days per week, more like 2 lately though) for over 6 years. I am less critical of myself in general and my eating, exercise, and body, and it has lead to drastic reductions in my emotional eating. Part of these recent positive changes were related to discovering some aspects of my mindset that were very dieting and deprivation-based, and were not serving me. My friend Heather recommended the book Intuitive Eating and reading it really helped me identify and change parts of my thinking that were not helpful (e.g., holding the belief that I "just can't control myself around X food" or "if I had X food in the house, I would not stop eating it").
After 3-4 months of following the principles of the "non-dieting" intuitive eating approach, I felt really good but my clothes were fitting a bit snugger and indeed, after stepping on the scale, I found myself within a few pounds of my highest weight ever.
The cool thing was, I didn't freak out, nor let it define me or let me forget all of the good changes I had made in terms of eating to my hunger signals and feeling good in my body. At first, I struggled a bit with deciding what my next move would be. Although it felt good to eat to my hunger, I gained weight very likely because I was eating lots of sugary foods that I typically limit, and I was exercising a little less than usual due to various factors (moving, weather, etc.). Intuitive Eating suggests a strictly non-dieting approach, and points out that even Weight Watchers counts as a diet because it tells you how many points to eat per day and does not allow for daily and monthly fluctuations in hunger. Given this recommendation by authors of a book I thoroughly enjoyed, I felt at a loss for how I would lose the weight I had gained.
After giving it considerable thought, I have made the decision to start the Weight Watchers online program and after 4 days on the plan, I already feel great about my decision. Here's why:
1) The program worked well for me in the past so I have positive associations with it and am excited to do it again. I loved the online tracking tool and the recipes and I feel good on the eating plan.
2) It is research-based, and they have improved their program since I did it in 2007. The new points system encourages you to choose foods high in fiber and protein that are likely to make you feel more satisfied. The most major change from 2007 is that fruits are 0 points, which is really helpful for me. If I get hungry at any time, I have the option to eat a reasonable portion of fruit.
3) It works best for me. Although calorie counting works too, it sometimes encourages me to be a bit too obsessive and at times choose not as great options (more on this later).
4) Finally, after 4 days on the plan, I am getting the same familiar feeling I got last time I did it, it provides some structure but the way I'm eating feels sustainable.
And why am I blogging about all of this?
I tell my patients that the number one predictor of good psychological health is to have and utilize your support system, and this is particularly true for losing weight. So, I'm blogging as a way to practice what I preach.
Some of what I will share here will be related to things I've kept fairly private. I've made my blog private to use it as a way to share with the people who who have supported me through various parts of my life and who I trust, in an effort to be more open and honest about something that has troubled me for quite a long time.
I started WW last Thursday May 16th (screw the "I'll start my diet on Monday" mentality, this is a lifestyle shift and I was ready to go!) and I am aiming to lose maybe 10 lbs or so, depending on how I feel as I get closer to that weight. Not a ton of weight, but given the emotional baggage these 10-15 lbs have caused over the past 12 years, its a pretty big deal to me.
Obviously, read if you want/have time, and no pressure! But if you are interested, I am excited about bringing you along with me on my continued journey towards achieving a fit and healthy body and peace with food.
More to come soon! Thanks for reading!
xoxo, S.
Welcome to the beginning of a new topic of my blog. I am excited, and to be honest, also nervous, to share more openly about a part of my life that I've kept mostly private.
Some of you know this and some of you don't, but I have struggled with issues with eating and weight for the majority of my adult life. I believe it was around age 16 when I began focusing on and being dissatisfied with my weight and thus started my first diet. I am pretty sure it was Slimfast and if I recall correctly, it lasted less than a week. I also remember drinking a lot of Cappucino flavored Slimfasts that were pretty good, but made your pee smell very strongly of coffee, but I digress...
On and off since then, I have struggled with various forms and degrees of disordered eating and body image issues. Most of this was in the form of relatively "normal" healthy eating (I never really got into extreme or fad diets), but few diets worked and much of the time I was just left frustrated and embarrassed at having "failed" again, which often lead to shame and emotional/binge eating. I have also had periods where I felt very at peace with food and very "normal" around food and was able to maintain a healthy weight. Most notably was just after college, I joined Weight Watchers online for the summer and lost 15 lbs and maintained it for about a year before beginning to put weight back on. That same summer I also began running regularly, and it has been a huge part of my life ever since.
I am very happy to say that today, my body image is better than ever. I am also happy to say that I feel quite fit, and have been exercising regularly (mostly running, anywhere from 2-6 days per week, more like 2 lately though) for over 6 years. I am less critical of myself in general and my eating, exercise, and body, and it has lead to drastic reductions in my emotional eating. Part of these recent positive changes were related to discovering some aspects of my mindset that were very dieting and deprivation-based, and were not serving me. My friend Heather recommended the book Intuitive Eating and reading it really helped me identify and change parts of my thinking that were not helpful (e.g., holding the belief that I "just can't control myself around X food" or "if I had X food in the house, I would not stop eating it").
After 3-4 months of following the principles of the "non-dieting" intuitive eating approach, I felt really good but my clothes were fitting a bit snugger and indeed, after stepping on the scale, I found myself within a few pounds of my highest weight ever.
The cool thing was, I didn't freak out, nor let it define me or let me forget all of the good changes I had made in terms of eating to my hunger signals and feeling good in my body. At first, I struggled a bit with deciding what my next move would be. Although it felt good to eat to my hunger, I gained weight very likely because I was eating lots of sugary foods that I typically limit, and I was exercising a little less than usual due to various factors (moving, weather, etc.). Intuitive Eating suggests a strictly non-dieting approach, and points out that even Weight Watchers counts as a diet because it tells you how many points to eat per day and does not allow for daily and monthly fluctuations in hunger. Given this recommendation by authors of a book I thoroughly enjoyed, I felt at a loss for how I would lose the weight I had gained.
After giving it considerable thought, I have made the decision to start the Weight Watchers online program and after 4 days on the plan, I already feel great about my decision. Here's why:
1) The program worked well for me in the past so I have positive associations with it and am excited to do it again. I loved the online tracking tool and the recipes and I feel good on the eating plan.
2) It is research-based, and they have improved their program since I did it in 2007. The new points system encourages you to choose foods high in fiber and protein that are likely to make you feel more satisfied. The most major change from 2007 is that fruits are 0 points, which is really helpful for me. If I get hungry at any time, I have the option to eat a reasonable portion of fruit.
3) It works best for me. Although calorie counting works too, it sometimes encourages me to be a bit too obsessive and at times choose not as great options (more on this later).
4) Finally, after 4 days on the plan, I am getting the same familiar feeling I got last time I did it, it provides some structure but the way I'm eating feels sustainable.
And why am I blogging about all of this?
I tell my patients that the number one predictor of good psychological health is to have and utilize your support system, and this is particularly true for losing weight. So, I'm blogging as a way to practice what I preach.
Some of what I will share here will be related to things I've kept fairly private. I've made my blog private to use it as a way to share with the people who who have supported me through various parts of my life and who I trust, in an effort to be more open and honest about something that has troubled me for quite a long time.
I started WW last Thursday May 16th (screw the "I'll start my diet on Monday" mentality, this is a lifestyle shift and I was ready to go!) and I am aiming to lose maybe 10 lbs or so, depending on how I feel as I get closer to that weight. Not a ton of weight, but given the emotional baggage these 10-15 lbs have caused over the past 12 years, its a pretty big deal to me.
Obviously, read if you want/have time, and no pressure! But if you are interested, I am excited about bringing you along with me on my continued journey towards achieving a fit and healthy body and peace with food.
More to come soon! Thanks for reading!
xoxo, S.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)