When my boyfriend called me on Sunday and told me that my car was not in the place we left it (and the place we both had seen it three days earlier), I went into what I would call a very mild version of the "shock" state. This news itself was by no means devastating, mostly because I planned to sell the car soon anyways and barely drive it. Insurance would reimburse us, I don't rely on it for anything, blah blah... all is well. I'm pretty quick to tears at times and I didn't even come close. Logically, all is well.
I made some calls, checked that it hadn't been towed, and then called to file the stolen car report. All the while in this state of semi-shock/acceptance of what was happening. After making the calls, we took the train to my aunt's for Easter dinner, instead of driving as planned. We had a nice day and I was able to focus and enjoy the company and the dinner and even could focus on the Duke/Louisville game, despite the devastating leg break for poor Kevin Ware.
On the train ride home, I still could not shake this undetermined feeling. As I walked back to my apartment alone, I began to identify it. It was the same feeling I got after I had been threatened by a homeless person near my apartment for not giving him money. It was the feeling of being unsafe in some way, or fearing that someone has identified you as a target and plans to harm you. And of course a few minutes after I identify this as I was leading the train platform, the man walking next to me yelled, "Hey! Wanna see my pet monkey?" and then nodded to a monkey-sized towel-covered item he was holding. Although I responded similarly to how I would have yesterday had this happened (i.e., "um no thanks!" with nervous laugh), internally, I felt different. I felt on guard and scared of this man and what he might do, and this feeling stayed with me until I was back at my apartment.
This is a feeling I don't get often despite having lived in a city for the past 6 years of my life. Call it naive or oblivious, but I call it choosing to not stress over things I cannot control. I am not in denial of the fact that bad things happen in the world, I just chose not to watch the news or ruminate about them.
This car thief took that from me, albeit briefly. My illusion of safety that keeps me sane and happy in this uncertain world was wiped away. Luckily, two days later, I have regained a sense of security in my life. I choose to focus on the good, take steps to avoid the bad, and have a little faith that my illusion will continue to serve me well.
Aaaaand maybe I'll invest in "the club" for any future car I might have....
