GUYS AND GIRLS CAN'T BE FRIENDS

Its been a while since I ranted about this, so here goes...

I have said for a long time, consistent with the message in When Harry Met Sally, that guys and girls cannot be friends.

Let me clarify what I mean by this.

I mean that to expect, as a girl (single or not), that you can have a very close guy friend with whom you hang out and talk with frequently, as you would with a girl friend (this means one on one much of the time, not just in a group) and this can go on for years without becoming complicated with feelings one way or both ways, is simply just unrealistic. 

I guess, unless perhaps the guy is gay. Then I assume it could work.

Now I remember from being single, how comforting it was to have a guy friend. It was like, well I'm single, but so is he at least! And guys can be super fun to hang out with and all that, so I get why you would want this. Even when you are with someone it can be nice, but if you are with someone and still want to see a guy friend one and one frequently, thats not the best sign. 

But to think that the two of you are going to spent lot of time, just the two of you, hanging out, talking, whatever and one of you not developing feelings for the other is just naive. He is a guy and even if you know you don't want to date him, unless he truly has no other friend options, there is a reason he is hanging out with you and not his buddies. Lets be real here.

This setup can work for a while, sometimes years even, but it can not last. 

The reason I'm so emphatic with these points, is because I have often seen and heard girls complaining about this. Complaining that their "guy friend" either likes them or is being weird towards them because they did not agree to date them, or because their friend got a girlfriend and now can't hang out as much (probably because he liked you and the new girlfriend knows it, or he knows it, or both!).

Making this mistake one or twice is understandable. But its when people do it over and over and never learn and still try to get their friendship requirements met by dudes they don't like. It just aint gonna work! The whining of "why can't we just be friends?" "why is he being weird all of a sudden?" and "I thought he was my friend" and being all hurt about it time after time, just gets old. You chose to set yourself up for this "friendship" and you gotta know it wont last. 

To all girls: get girl friends. And don't give me the "girls are too much drama! I hate drama!" BS excuse. I have lots of low maintenance no drama friends. The well-adjusted normal ones will be there for you much much longer, and we promise not to fall in love with you.

Rant over. :)

Two months post-marathon: Not exactly as expected

After approximately 6 years of running consistently, 1-3x/week typically, and not missing more than a week or so due to snow or a cold, I am here today reported that I have not run AT ALL in 3 weeks, and before that, I maybe ran 1x/week for about a mile. 

It has officially been 2 months a 1 week since the marathon. Its amazing how our expectations can fool us, even if we know the logic behind what a marathon does to your body, I guess experiencing is believing. 

I put off running a marathon because I was afraid I would get injured. I knew that a large majority of people who run one get injured during  training or during the race (I have seen it).  During training in fact, a large part of me truly believed I would get injured and not be able to run the race. 

Yet, I still did not anticipate how much this race would affect me, even a week after finishing it. I read my post from a week after and almost laughed. I was SO excited to go for a relaxed jog that Saturday. Then I headed out the door, ran a few blocks, and then hobbled back around to sadly come home. 

2 months out, I know that throughout some of training and definitely during the race, I had IT band syndrome (diagnosed by 2 health professionals) and likely a few other tight muscles around my right knee that all liked to pull at it and cause strange sensations when I walk or run.

Despite all of this knowledge, I hit a low point last week. I went to yoga and had a good deal of pain shooting through my right leg throughout much of the class. After YOGA! Knowing I had "been good" and not run for over 2 weeks, I did not take this all that calmly.

Simply put, I got pissed. I got a very narrow glimpse into what I always feared, being injured and what many of my patients go through when they have a condition that they feel they cannot control and common sense techniques they thought would help are not working. The worst thing about the pain was it did not make sense with everything I had read about IT band syndrome, so I felt helpless in terms of how to fix it. The exercises I had told to do did not seem to work. Running had been taken from me and I did not know how to get it back.

I called the next day to try to set up Physical therapy (I had already gotten a referral, but was given the impression I could probably fix the condition on my own), but soon found out it would cost me $350-$450 per session and I had to meet my $1,000 deductible. Yikes. I spent hours researching online and continuing to try my exercises and doing the dang foam rolling with little success. 

I stopped walking to work completely, since I was convinced that was making it worse. To put it dramatically, I felt like a shell of my former runner self. And interestingly and consistent with what I had heard, my body generally was in more pain when I woke up and I generally felt more achy, which likely was caused by lack of exercise. 

All of this detail comes down to a happier ending though. Luckily, I talked to someone who made a very small but helpful comment. She said that I should probably use the roller "wherever it hurt." This may seem obvious, but I was oblivious. Perhaps so stuck in my narrow minded view of the problem and my official diagnosis  (IT band! IT band!) that I could not fathom I could have other problem areas too. 

I started foam rolling where it hurt and almost got instant relief a bit after the rolling. My muscle was sore, but did not feel like there was a rubber band it in ready to snap at any moment. I had made a small amount of progress.

I just needed this little bit of momentum and hope and my mood changed.

A week later, I have been rolling daily and doing yoga without pain and I even walked to and from work a few times this week (1.5 miles each way, where a block of walking caused me pain last week). Thursday night I got through an hour of yoga and could do all the poses without pain. I was basically ecstatic. 

Looking back, here are the takeaway thoughts:
1) As injuries go, this was not even close to "bad" and I'm lucky I didn't injure myself worse. Hopefully I can take this experience with me and tackle bigger injuries if I ever needed to. But on second thought, lets just say hopefully this helps me avoid them in the future.
2) Going through this was likely important in some way, as it has made me appreciate my health and my body more than ever. I'm taking care to do workouts that are beneficial to me (more on yoga in another post) and my body is truly appreciating it. 
3) I learned a lot about my body and its limits and how to best listen to it. 
4) I also tried to learn to not be over-reactive to pain but take it as a signal. Some days I did better than others with this, but I think this is an important life skill in general. 

I haven't tried running in several weeks, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to continue to build on my strength and flexibility and get back to running reasonable distances. In fact, I'm thrilled to begin doing so, when the time comes. 

Perhaps it goes without saying, perhaps not, but as grateful as I am to have been able to experience running the Chicago marathon in 2013, I highly doubt you will ever find me doing one of those again!

Moving down the life list: Marathon completed!!

Well folks, I officially did it. I set my sights on completing my first full marathon, and last Sunday, I achieved that goal.

In some ways, the training experience and the race were what I expected. In others, not so much.

How it met my expectations:
 * I expected that training for a full marathon would require a deeper level of time dedication (obviously) but also a great dedication to paying attention to my body. I thought much more than I have in the past about nutrition and water along the runs, and carbo-loading for real (2-3 days before the event, not just pasta the night before). I drank a lot less alcohol, and overall just focused on feeding my body what it said it wanted.
 * It was quite challenging to avoid injury during training. Besides some back pain, I've done relatively well staying injury free while running these past 7 years or so. Marathon training took a toll on my body, just as I thought I would. A week later, I went out earlier today really excited to do my first post-marathon run, only to find that my hamstrings and IT band are still pulled about as tight as could be, despite getting a massage on Friday. 

How it exceeded my expectations:
 * Race day was truly an unbelievable experience that I will never forget. Having my parents, aunts, and G there was great and I had several friends see me during the course as well. Not to mention the weather was amazing, and the crowds here were incredible, and so supportive and helpful. 
 * I actually felt great for the first 18 miles, much better than I figured I would, so that was also pretty exciting.

What I didn't expect:
 * As much as I figured it would take a toll on my body, I guess I thought a week and a good massage would be enough to get me back to running normally. I want more than anything to be able to just up and go running, whatever distance and pace I feel like. I was SO excited to do that this afternoon, and was very frustrated to find that running still hurt quite a bit. I came home and stretched, and will be better about stretching moving forward. But man I'm just ready to run again for fun. 
 * I guess what I did not realize is that the training itself would strip running of its funness for me, and my natural motivation to do it. Its not that I hated going out for a long run on the weekends, but I definitely was not excited, it was just something I committed to doing so I was going to do. I fully expect to get that love of running back, hopefully once my legs heal up completely, but I really hope its sooner rather than later. 

To be honest, I have  this image of myself suiting up in fall running clothes, and trail running in some park, and all the leaves have turned to fall colors. No idea where this park is located, but its pretty awesome. I can feel the cool air easily moving in and out of my lungs, and I feel light, and I enjoy the feeling of getting a bit winded. I check my pace out of curiosity  but frankly I do not care. I'm just running.

One day again folks, hopefully soon. We are heading to Michigan this upcoming weekend so perhaps then if my legs are feeling better.

Either way, life list checked off! 

T-1 Day

Its 5:15pm on the day before I run the Chicago marathon. I just finished watching The Spirit of the Marathon.

Going into tomorrow, here are my goals:
   *Appreciate and take in the crowds
   *Enjoy it, I signed up for this for the experience, not to break any records
   *Give it my all in a way I feel good about, but in a way that does not end in my death, illness, or injury
   *Let myself go though whenever I need to go though to get to the end (hint: this will involve emotions)

I am definitely nervous, but more excited than anything else. I feel pretty good and ready to tackle this challenge I set for myself. 

I just keep thinking that I did 20 by myself and felt relatively ok, I even did laundry afterwards and then went to Michigan. After tapering and carbo-loading, I feel good and energized. I've slept fairly well and did my mental prep this week by watching a bunch of videos. 

I'll keep you posted, folks. 

Excitedly yours, S.

2 Weeks and Counting

Its officially, there are 2 weeks until the marathon. 

Yesterday, my leg was hurting a lot so instead of the planned 12 miles, I just ran 9.5. I just have 8 next weekend, and otherwise my runs are between 2-4 miles each! 

I really can't believe I'm nearing the end. I got a nice message from my aunt today telling me that she is proud of me and inspired by me. It was a nice reminder of how easy it is to start to take advantage of the fact that my body is able to get through this training. I think because so many of my friends have done a marathon, and so many people in Chicago run it, that its easy for it to not seem like a big deal that I'm doing this.

The other day Garrett was telling one of his friends how dedicated I've been in my training. I immediately thought, "no I haven't! On average, I skip 1 of the officially scheduled runs each week!" This is true, however, I have not skipped one long run, which means to date, I've run... just went to my log and added it up... 191 miles on long runs alone. So that does not even count the miles logged during the week at all. I've officially been training for 16 weeks for this, and have not missed one long run on the weekend. 

I'm glad I added that up, because it helps to put it in perspective. Its easy to look at what we aren't doing and feel guilty about it. Yes, I'm doing about 3 runs per week on average, instead of 4. BUT I'M STILL RUNNING 3 DAYS EVERY WEEK, AND HAVEN'T MISSED A LONG RUN ANY WEEKEND. I push through the pain and the fatigue, and even finished a 15 mile run when I felt absolutely awful at mile 5.

Am I like my friends who reportedly never miss one training run? Not really. Am I totally diligent about training according to plan to a T? No. 

But I frequently tell myself I'm not that serious and degrade myself as a marathon runner. 

Am I the most trained I could potentially be? No. But did I do a pretty darn good job and set myself up for success the best I could? Absolutely.

I did this race to learn about myself. If there is one lesson I've already taken away is that it is good to learn to be satisfied with "good enough" because perfection is unattainable and sets you up for failure and disappointment. This marathon is yet another reminder of that. And most importantly, "good enough" is not a mediocre achievement. It can be, and often is, monumental and life changing.

Yoga: Putting my body back together

When I took the 8 week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course, my group leader once said that for him, doing yoga daily was like "putting his body back together" each morning. 

I liked it, but didn't really know how that felt. 

Earlier today, I experienced it. 

I am in the habit of doing yoga on Sunday mornings now. Its hot yoga, its in my building, and there are 8:30 and 9:45am options. Obviously, I have no excuse not to do this. 

I missed the last 2 weeks though. Last week we were in Michigan and the week before, I think I was just too tired and/or sore from my long run. Either way, my body literally was craving yoga. I got up this morning raring to go. Its rare that I notice I'm actually excited to exercise, it used to happen with running but sadly, that hasn't been the case during marathon training. I truly believe that the inherent desire to exercise is what kept me exercising for the past 7 years consistently, so it was really nice that I felt that again for something.

I was having a lot of tightness in my right leg, particularly in the IT band region (the outside of the upper leg between the knee and hip). In yoga we did an exercise where were lie on our backs and raise one leg at a time up to the ceiling, and with a strap with wrap it around our foot and stretch to the right and left sides. I could literally feel my IT band and how much tighter and more difficult it was on the right side compared to the left. I breathed in and stretched it good, and I feel a LOT better now. 

At the beginning of yoga, we are often asked to set an intention. Mine today was "stretch out, and heal my body." I feel grateful that I was able to achieve a feeling of doing so. 

Yay yoga!

Persistence and Resilience, and Having the Courage to Try Again

Why is it so easy to give advice, and so difficult to take it? 

I found myself realizing lately that I do this with regards to my struggle with eating and my weight. I feel ashamed of the fact that I still struggle, that I still think about it quite often, and still feel the need to write it out on here. I'm bored with it in a lot of ways, and sometimes writing about it bores me. So I assume everyone else feels the same and is sick of hearing about it too. 

When really, its probably mostly just me. Although some people in my life may indeed be somewhat sick of hearing it, I think like most things, its more my issue than theirs. 

And what would I tell someone else? I'd tell them that we all have our struggles with adequacy and we all have our sticking points, or areas in our life that we just don't feel as competent or confident as we would like. We all have those areas where we so badly want to be able to achieve our goals, whatever they are, but for whatever reason, it feels like they evade us. 

So I'm here, again, for what feels like the millionth time, making peace with the fact that my struggle with eating is not yet over. During marathon training, I really let myself go and fell back into some old bad habits. Never really feeling out of control of my eating, but doing a ton of snacking and unstructured eating, especially while watching TV. It feels familiar, and I don't like it. And I have definitely gained some weight, although I haven't actually weighed myself to know how much.

It is time to pull out the ever helpful phase about persistence.

"The secret to life is to fall down seven times, and get up eight." 

Or in my case, fall down (perhaps its only a mini-stumble at this point, progress!) 47 million times, get up 47 million and one times.

Ok, perhaps it just feels that way.

Moving forward, my goal for the next few weeks until the marathon is to focus on finding a making healthy balanced meals that I can eat for dinner and focusing on eating and enjoying that, then watching TV, writing, etc. I'll keep you posted.

Songs that Move Me

Look out folks, this already scattered blog is getting random-er

I absolutely love music that moves me and sometimes, since I spend so much of my time listening to audiobook CDs, I forget how awesome music is and I forget how much I appreciate it.

Therefore, as I sit here on a Tuesday night sifting through YouTube videos and googling "the best acoustic songs," I am going to list some of my favs

As I type this, I'm listening to Hallelujah, the version by Kate Voegele

I have NO clue to Kate is (maybe I should look that up), but I've listened to her version of the song at least 50 times since I was introduced to it a few years ago. Its one of the only songs I will open up on YouTube on my phone to listen as I walk down the streets. I love it because it often moves me to tears. Its dripping with soul-moving feeling, and I love every freaking second of it. I just do.

Through my list googling, I came across two acoustic favorites of mine, both by The Beatles, Yesterday, and Blackbird.

Yesterday has childhood memories for me, as I believe I recall a video of me playing it on the keyboard. Not quite as moving as the original, but needless to say, the song holds a special place in my heart. 

Blackbird more recently became a favorite. I think the guitar notes are just captivating, especially the first four notes of the song. LOVE.

Lastly, all of this music searching was inspired by a video someone posted on YouTube, where a father and his 4 year old daughter cover the song Tonight You Belong To Me and it went viral. Perhaps it was the adorable girl singing, but the lyrics really captivated me and got me searching for other versions of the song. The song was written by lyricist Billy Rose and composer Lee David, performed by many different singers.

Breaking News: Beating self up still not helpful even after all these years of trying

Several weeks ago, I realized that training for a marathon and trying to lose weight for me, was not meshing together well and I was begrudgingly resigned to the fact that choosing one goal was probably best.

Since the marathon cost $175 and was a one-time deal, it won out.

Four weeks away from the marathon, I am struggling with anticipating the start of something new, but not yet being ready/able to fully pursue it. I am not very comfortable with the feeling of "maintaining" or "staying still." I want to always be growing and changing and improving as a person. I think this is particularly problematic for anticipating a new "weight loss effort" because at some level, part of me is like "well you better have your fun now because weight loss starts Oct 14th!"

I am falling into the black and white thinking, the "on a diet/off a diet" mentality that I advise so many people not to adopt. Sigh.... And simultaneously I have not been focusing on the aspects of marathon training that involve improving and learning about oneself as a person. I have chosen to focus on the fact that I'm not losing weight, and may have gained a pound or two, instead of the fact that my body is strong enough to finish 19 simultaneous miles. 

I think the lesson here is one that I continue to re-learn over and over again. Do not beat myself up. Period. For anything. Because it simply does not help. It exhausts me, and makes me angry and resentful of things (even events that I choose to participate in) that I perceive to be getting in the way of my goal.

I chose to do this marathon. And whether I realize it all of the time or not, it is helping me to grow and learn about myself, just as I hoped it would. And beating myself up for not always loving it also is useless. Although marathon training may put a delay on me really focusing on weight loss, it is certainly not an unrelated goal and improving my fitness and workout schedule and eating healthfully, will all help when I am focused again on losing pounds. 

So here's to the last 4 weeks of training, and remembering reasons I chose to do this thing in the first place. Not to break any records or prove to anyone else I can do it. But to learn about myself, and improve my ability to persevere and achieve a life-list goal. 

Marathon Update

As of tomorrow, I'll officially be on Week 15 of my 18 week marathon training program (yay!). Just 1 long run left. Right before my longest training run (20 miles next Sunday), lets take my temperature and see how training is going:

1. I don't love it. I tried to, I really did, but I just don't. I have now accepted the fact that marathon training just ain't my cup o' tea. I really don't mind the long runs, as long as they don't injure me (see below), BUT I reeeeeally don't like having to run 3 times during the week, and that guilty feeling I get when I don't (because I don't think that even once during training I actually did each of the 3 mid-week runs as prescribed). 

2. My body does not love it. Or at least, it doesn't not like it. Its pretty angry with me I think, so I rest it a lot. I take full responsibility, and its possible that my additional rest has made me slightly more prone to injury, but it is what it is. And although I typically don't get in 4 runs per week, I almost always get 3, and my body still is not a big fan of all the pavement pounding.

3. I don't like running slower. And marathon training is forcing me to, unless of course I wanted to run more and fit in speedwork or something. This, is ill advised based on it being my first marathon, so I've accepted the fact that I'm gonna run this bad boy at a slow pace. It will take longer, which isn't ideal, and I just feel more comfortable running at a bit of a quicker pace.

Finally, we come to what I think is really driving my difficulty with training:

4. It strips me of my natural motivation for running. I have run consistently without missing more than a week for the past 7 years because I truly like to run and truly want to run, most of the time. Marathon training has not totally taken this away from me, BUT, my internal motivation to want to run is definitely lower, and that makes me sad. I'm sure I can get it back after training is over, but I miss the feeling of truly wanting to run after work, or the real craving I get when my body just aches to go out and tear up the pavement. It just isn't the same when you know you  really "should" run 5 miles, 8 miles, 5 miles, during the week, and a long run on the weekend. A friend of mine talked about how she was going to get up yesterday and run "along the trails, however far I feel like going" and I got this twinge in my stomach of longing for that flexibility. I really thrive on that feeling, and I miss it.

All that said, I realize that I chose to run this marathon and I am by no means blaming training for impacting my life in this way. I chose this, I realize it. I am choosing to continue with training to follow through with my commitment, and I'm excited to hopefully be able to finish this thing and feel proud. But mostly, I'm excited to finish my commitment and get back to my true love of running.

To balance the negativity, lets list the positives of training:
1. I feel totally justified in making cupcakes and eating a ton of them after I run 19 miles. 
2. After a long run, I'm proud of myself when I do almost anything. I'm also less critical of my body after a really long run. Like when I look in the mirror I still see the parts I don't love, but I'm like, whatevs, you just ran 19 miles. 
3. I do feel really accomplished and good after seeing my Nike Plus running app hit my goal mileage. Even if I'm at that point running slow as heck. At least I followed through!
4. I made a few friends through my running group so thats always good.
5. At any given point, even if I don't for whatever reason finish this whole thing, I can say I've run farther than I ever have before. To date, I have run 19 miles straight, and I'm proud of that.

Forgetting how to make words

I recently wrote about how easily I decide to set my goals at the level that are unrealistically high, without putting in the time to actually be likely to achieve it. As a reminder, I had decided that I would beat my 10K time, without doing any speed work at all and after giving blood. Sometimes, I'm not the smartest cookie.

Just a week later, I already made a similar error. Apparently at some level I think I can just skate though situations and "persevere" without really planning for them. I don't believe that I do this with all things in life, but it definitely keeps occurring with running. 

I was really nervous for my 14 mile long run so I hydrated, made sure to get enough sleep, at and planned out what I would bring the next morning, and low and behold, it went well.

Then I got cocky. 

"15 is not that much than 14," I said to myself confidently. 

This psychological boost was fine. Its good for me to start telling myself double digit runs are no big deal, because soon I'll be doing quite a long one. 

The problem was, it was still the farthest distance I've ever tried to run.  And I did not take the time to prepare physically. I actually got some pretty bad back and leg pain on Thursday night after my weekly 7 time tempo run and it kept me up for about 3 hours. In my focus on that pain (I think based on WebMD, it may be sciatica pain), I was wondering if I may need to take another day off. But Saturday morning, I woke up and felt sore, but generally ok. So I went out the door. 

However, I neglected the basics. I went to bed late, hit snooze twice, drank only about a glass of water total (bad) and headed out the door. To top it off, I totally forgot the new water bottle I bought last week (they have water on the trail but sometimes it isn't frequent enough), I forgot to apply Bodyglide (stuff to reduce chafing), and I also only brought one GU packet (100 cals of instant sugar) instead of two.

The good news is, I'm much more calm as a runner than I used to be. Sometime between leaving the house and getting to the Lululemon store we meet at, I realized that I made some dumb mistakes and the odds of this run going well were slim to none. I didn't, however, beat myself up or freak out in the way I may have in the past. I acknowledged the reality of the situation, and told myself I could stop if my back pain flared up (which honestly I totally expected it would). 

I started running with a girl I met at the group and a mile into the run, I'm already sweating a ton. It was a super nice day, not super hot, but it was suuuunny. I was feeling okay, but was already thirsty (not good) and I think I somewhat expected my back pain to flare up. I had an almost nonchalance about the whole thing. Like, it is very unlikely that I'm finishing 15 today. Oh well (in sing-song-y tone). 

We hit mile 5, and I got these chest pains on my left side. This has been happening on and off over the past week and I am pretty sure its dehydration, because whenever I drink a lot throughout the day it completely goes away and I had been thirsty pretty much this whole run. All the same, it hurt and was just scary. I told Amanda to keep going, but she stuck with me and we walked for a bit. I feel fairly confident I would have quit had she left.

I stopped and drank a TON of water at the next water stop, so much that it was swishing around in my stomach when we started up and I thought I would throw up. But we perservered and I decided, mostly because we were almost to the 7.5 mile turnaround, that I was essentially walking back alone, or running back with a little chest pain, so we kept running. 

The awesome thing about running with a girl, is you can essentially fill up several long runs with relationship stories and talk. Before I knew it, we were within a mile of where I was planning to turn left and run through the city and to my apartment, and my chest pain was gone. 13 miles down! I told myself I could walk the 1.5 miles home and not go back to the Lulu store. I had done well enough.

Right before I made my turn, I had the strong experience of being unable to make words. I was trying to tell Amanda that I wished I had money so I could buy a drink from the Walmart in our building, and all I could say over and over was, "I wish I had water, water. I wish I had a dollar!" before finally mustering, "I wish I had money to buy water, ugh." 

Make words. Do things. Running that far does strange things to your brain. 

I said bye to my running partner and made my way past Millennium park. I stopped and stretched in a shady area of the grass. I was essentially in what felt like a semi-drunken stupor. Endorphins are crazy little buggers. I mean, I was in pain, for sure, my legs felt like they were being stabbed by little mini knives with each step. But the pain is kinda distant, almost detached, and in that moment I was honestly kind of in awe of how far I'd made it, I couldn't really think straight about anything.

After stretching, I decided I would run the 1.5 miles home, getting to 14.5 miles total. I started off, trudging my bricks for legs. Then on a whim, I found myself turning to go south instead of west. I just started running down random streets with a vague intention to cover that extra .5 mile. Hell, I made it this far why not complete what I intended. I got stopped by a light at the Harold Washington Library and checked my phone. 1.1 miles to our apartment. I checked Nike Plus running: 13.9 miles completed. 

Obviously, fate had intervened. And I had to run home. 

I remember trying to find streets that were shaded on that 1.1 home, and feeling like people who were not drenched in sweat and who didn't have dried salt all over their faces were giving me weird looks. I cannot be sure though. I also feel confident that my Nike plus running app kept the mileage count at 14.99 miles for well over .01 miles, as a cruel joke.

But finally, 15.0 miles completed and the voice on my app commended me for completing my longest run. Then Tim Tebow told me, 'Great job! Now hit the showers." Ok, Tim. If you insist.

As I walked into our building and got on the escalator, I almost laughed at the prospect of actually choosing to walk up this bad boy. Thank goodness it was not malfunctioning today.  I got to the door where we swipe our key card, and I kept thinking I needed my gym pass. Internally, I talked myself through, 'No Shawn, the little apartment key card, there you go... now walk forward, good...'

Then I almost started laughing out loud at my brains inability to function and had to pull it together because people were around. 

I trudged through our apartment door, to find Garrett still sleeping, just where I left him 4 hours ago. The throbbing ache in my back and legs was pretty intense but laying flat on the floor helped. And as I took my shower and rubbed off the salt, the chafing on my chest was actually not terrible considering the lack of preparedness.

Finally, at around 8:00pm, I'm finally feeling more like a normal person again and in less pain (drugs help). In my state of actually being able to put words to my experience today, I have up with these words: 

Having someone to support you helps a TON. 
I can perservere!
Endorphins/dehydration is similar to drugs.
And I have learned and WILL prepare for every long run in the future. Mark my words.

The Practice of Gratitude

I am reviewing some videos of when Dr. Brene Brown (one of my heroes) was on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday show. They are talking about the emotion joy and how there can be no joy without practicing gratitude. And how Brene believes after all of her research and study that it is actually the most terrifying and difficult emotion to experience; more so than shame, fear, or deep hurt. 

I heart this clip. Click here to view. (its only 6 minutes)

She discusses the idea of foreboding joy and often helps to explain what she means by asking parents to imagine looking down at their sleeping children, and allowing themselves to realize much they love them, and then asking them what they feel next. She talks about how common it is to feel fearful and then "rehearse tragedy," that is, to picture horrific things happening to take them away from you (I picture a large hawk swooping down and grabbing baby out of crib, but maybe its something a bit more real for people who actually have kids). 

But even though I don't have  children, I can definitely relate. Foreboding joy comes over me in a variety of ways. Recently I've noticed it in my work. I get these moments where I think about how amazing it is that I get to do something that I'm passionate about everyday, and then I feel fearful that somehow it will get "taken away." In my head, this typically takes the form of someone (including myself) discovering that I actually suck at my job and I will therefore find that I ruin people's life by somehow psychologically messing them up, or failing to be whatever it is that they needed me to be. Yep - my mind goes there.

And foreboding joy definitely occurs when I think about Garrett. Very early in our relationship, I knew just how freaking excited I was about him, and it scared the crap out of me. So much that I called several of my friends, telling them I didn't know if I could handle the uncertainty of what was going to happen (there were no real indications of anything except the fact that the relationship was going well, mind you, except maybe that he hadn't responded to a text and it had been a whole 45 minutes). I felt the fear of losing what we had so strongly, that it sent me bawling pretty uncontrollably as I paced up and down a section of the path along Lake Michigan. And several friends can vouch for this fact.

Brene says: When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. 

I was SO excited that it at times was too much. I would picture things not working out in various ways and get sad, anxious, and mad about it. Then I would get pissed at myself for not being able to "enjoy this stage of the relationship" as so many people told me I "should" do. 

So what the heck do we do about this foreboding joy? Well, we learn from joyful people who are living wholeheartedly, of course.

Joyful people get that shudder too when they feel deep love for someone, and the uncertainty inherent in life that it may or may not last forever, but instead of "dress rehearsing tragedy"  (that was me imagining that Garrett would wake up one day and decide he no longer likes "emotional" girls and break things off), they practice gratitude.

Thinking back, there was one moment where I really did this. I was walking home from the train after work and like many days during those first several weeks, I was feeling anxious about the relationship. It had been about a month since our first date, and I was not falling, I had fallen. I knew from basically date #1 that this dude was great, and this was day #30 so I had basically been in love for 29 days (obviously, exaggerating a bit but you get the point). And Garrett, being the non-impulsive, diligent, level-headed person he is, did not move at the same pace. I would do the whole: "I really love spending time with you.... you mean so much to me..." fishing type of comments, hoping with all of my being that he would say, "Me too Shawn! And did you know that I'm deeply in love with you and want to spend the rest of my life with you?!" Then we would hug and kiss and feel secure and happy for the rest of our lives. Yay!! But he did not say that then. Instead he would say something that basically mirrored what I said, and was very heartfelt, but never went any further.

Intellectually, I knew things were likely okay, but my emotional self did not agree. My emotional self decided that feeling vulnerable and scared sucked, and it was pissed. Pissed at him for not being ready to confess the feelings that I had. And definitely pissed at myself for not "enjoying the moment." "I just can't relax!" I would admonish and yell at myself. Ugh.

The feelings of anxiety came and went, and it sure as heck was not comfortable. But on that day, as I turned the corner to the street of my old apartment, I remember noticing the feel of the sun shining on my face, and the tightness in my chest, and I took a deep breath and decided to lean into these feelings and be grateful. Grateful that I found someone who made me feel this deeply. Grateful for the excitement and uncertainty and vulnerable feelings I had. And grateful that I was alive and human and able to feel.

As I did this, I teared up, but not with sadness or fear, but with joy and gratitude for life and all the wonderful mix of feelings that it brings.

So, basically a year later, I practice gratitude again. Because as the video reminds us, it is a practice. 

My gratitude list could go on and on, but for today, I'll just pick a few. I am grateful for my ability to see and hear, so that I can read and watch videos, learn, and apply them to my life and to the lives of those I work. I am grateful for all those in my life, especially Garrett, who finally realized how much he loved me (ha), and who have supported me along this path to learning and coming to know myself better and better each day. And of course, I'm grateful for anyone who takes the time to read this as I reflect on my random thoughts and for allowing me to share this part of myself with you in writing. 

xoxo, S.

Learning How To Relax

When I first walk out the door of my office building, I feel the familiar and welcome flood of relief and accomplishment as I embark on my walk home. Another day in the books. Another day crossed off the calendar. This accomplishment glow lasts about... 5 minutes, sometimes less. And before long, I realize that now I have to go home. This is a great thing! Right?

Sort of. 

I have spent a lot of time trying to reflect on things lately and, you know, "figure myself out." Well low and behold, I figured something out. 

I figured out that I don't really know what the hell to do with myself about 90% of the time. And the more I think of it, I think its something I have always had.

I still remember being in high school and watching emotionally deep TV shows like 'The Real World' and get motivated to do some "self-reflecting" just like they were doing and deciding that I'm going to really need to start journaling to "re-evaluate" my life. I realize that makes no sense but the point is, I was never satisfied by just watching TV, I always had to be DOING something, creating something, or being more actively involved with the world and thus, more stimulated.

Turns out, this tendency does not just die. 

I was always in awe of others who say they can sit and just read a magazine. I may be able to read an article if its interesting to me, and short, but I rarely do that only, without simultaneously doing something else. STIMULATION.

I've basically known this about myself for a while, and I'm still trying to reconcile this fact with the fact that I also am more introverted than I initially thought. Now that I'm less worried about what I "should" be doing on the weekends (binge drinking at bars), I realize that I really like solitary activities like listening to audio CDs (I can multi-task as I do them! woo!), writing in here, and reading. However, I really cannot do some of these activities for that long without getting bored or distracted. And that is not necessarily consistent with the characteristics of a full-blown introvert.

I recently read the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, and it shed some insight onto this issue. The author, Susan Cain, talks about introversion and extroversion being on a continuum, and the importance of knowing yourself and working to find your "Sweet Spot." This is the level of stimulation and re-charging that you need to achieve a maximum level of enjoyment/productivity. 

For extremely introverted people, the importance of solitary re-energizing is clear. For me, although I identify with some of the introvert qualities, I'm not 100% sold on my need to re-energize with solitude. In fact, I typically feel energized when I exercise with other people and then come home to shower and relax. However, I definitely think I express myself better through writing than speaking (a more introverted quality), I'm a good listener, and I am definitely self-reflective, or I wouldn't have started this random blog.

Ok - this is silly, I'm going to go take an introvert/extrovert test and see what comes  up. Be back in a bit.

Alright, I took the test on this website: http://www.theguardian.com/science/quiz/2012/mar/13/quiz-are-you-an-introvert

And I scored 11 out of 20 so essentially, I'm an ambivert, with a slight tendency towards introversion. 

So what the heck does all this mean???! I'm not exactly sure. I was recently told that the secret to happiness is self-love and acceptance, so I suppose this attempting to understand myself and "re-evaluate my life" and myself that has been there so consistently, is really just an urge to understand myself, so I can then accept myself. 

I also recently read Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin, who goes by the mantra "Be Gretchen" for her happiness project. 

So in attempt to Be Shawn, I need to accept myself and accept the things I actually feel energized by instead of trying to force myself to do or like things I think I should enjoy. 

I feel energized by writing in a way that feels authentic and real (if disorganized). I feel energized by helping people achieve their goals. I feel energized by running with others or being around other people in an exercise setting (yoga class). I also feel energized by "reading" an audio CD while cleaning. 

No matter how much I "try to relax" with the following activities, I don't feel energized by: long hours in front of the TV (unless its a motivating, inspiring show), movies (again, only sometimes), FACEBOOK (most of the time), random internet searching, running alone (only once and a while do I find this energizing).

The jury is still out on some new potential activities I've tried, like: learning guitar, painting, crocheting, and learning to cook, although I think at least a few have promise.

And the point is, all of this is OK. I think I, and perhaps many of us, spend a lot of time doing things we feel we "should enjoy" without realizing that perhaps we are fighting a losing battle. So here's to self-knowledge and acceptance and doing things because we actually freaking love to do them. 

Big Ten 10K: A Familiar Wake Up Call

I'm gonna cut to the chase and skip to the lesson learned this morning. Unfortunately, I've "learned" this lesson before.

Lesson:
Just because you decide the week of a race that you really want a certain time, does not meant you will get it.

Weird, right? 

I "learned" this after running a half marathon in Nashville, but clearly it needed to be re-learned. About a week before the race in Nashville, I decided it would be really cool to break 2 hours. This was not totally unreasonable but quite a stretch. So when mile 12 hit, about 1 mile after the 2-hour pace group chugged past my slowing pace (I started way too fast), I became so sad because I realized I didn't have it in me to run the last mile in the time I needed to beat my "goal time." So I broke down on the side of the race and started crying, then I quit. 

Ok, not really. For like 3 seconds I was disappointed then I smiled and realized I was about to finish a 1/2 marathon. I finished in 2:01. 

Today was similar, although I missed my goal time, of beating my last 10K time (in June 2012 I ran it in 53 mins, 8:32 min/mile pace), by quite a bit. I finished in around 57 minutes, which is about a 9:15 min/mile pace.

You see, I sometimes forget that I'm training for a marathon, not a 10K, and I didn't put any focus on speedwork lately. I'm also running alone most of the time, unless I'm doing a long run so I'm never going much faster than 9:00 min/miles. Makes it kinda hard to pull out 8:20s for 6 miles. Again, weird. 

I started off strong but died around mile 3. I was getting these weird chest pains on my left side that freaked me out so I slowed down. Although I probably should not be too surprised because I gave blood on Thursday. Again, not really setting myself up for success here.

The good thing is, like most races, completing this re-invigorated me to get more serious about training and what I'm putting in my body (2 slices of deep dish pizza also may have not been the most ideal pre-race snack). 

I also need to realize that if I want to keep getting faster, I need to run with other people. Although I can push myself for a short treadmill workout for like 3 miles, I'm much less likely to push the pace for 5+ miles. 

I have several new goals moving forward:
 - Get out and try to run with groups, meet people, and find people with similar racing/running goals and paces whose schedules I can work with
 - Run another 10K and this time really train to work towards beating my old time. I've run a 15K in 8:25 pace, so I should be able to run a 10K in 8:20 pace, with a little training.
 - Although I'm not doing weight watchers, I've been eating fairly well, but not losing any weight, so I want to work on two things: 1) portion sizes with heavier foods (1 slice of deep dish is seriously almost ALWAYS enough, I know this, but its sooooo good); and 2) eating fresher healthier foods. 

To achieve these goals,, I made plans to run 6 miles with a girl I met as part of the Lululemon run club on Tuesday morning. I may also end up doing the Shred415 workout on Thursday night in Oz park because last time it was a pretty great workout.

Eric is visiting so he and I went to Mariano's today and we are making fresh tilapia tacos tonight with a cucumber salsa and fresh fruit salad. YUM! 

Now I just need to find a 10K to sign up for! 

This ish is about to get serious

Its crazy to me that I ran 12 miles last week and 11 miles before, and now the REAL training is about to begin. Holy sh*t.

This weekend I'm planning to run 14 miles, which is the farthest I've ever run before. 

Dramatic comments aside, I'm actually feeling pretty good. Besides a few moments where I wonder why the heck I am doing this, I think that for the most part I've enjoyed training so far. 

My motivation is based on working towards getting stronger and staying healthy for the race. I hope to be able to run the whole thing, ideally in less than 10:00min/miles, maybe around 9:30. 

That said, I just wanna finish a marathon and have fun. I am already feeling like this is the only one I will ever do, but I guess talk to me October 14th and we will see if that changes.

I think I'm doing this for the right reasons, for a new and challenging life experience and so far, the motivation it is giving me is working quite well. 

I'm sure October 13th will be here before I know it!

Stop Asking Yourself Questions that Suck

I really like the website www.tinybuddha.com. It was introduced to me by my good friend Sapna, and I've been reading it on and off for several years. Dream alert: I would love to write a post in there one day. 

One of the recent articles caught my eye, but mostly because I mis-read the title. I thought it said: Stop Asking Yourself Questions that Suck, when it really said, Stop Asking Yourself Questions that Keep you Stuck.

I still keep reading it wrong each time I pull it up, and it makes me giggle. Same basic idea though! 

So what are some questions that suck? I can tell you, because I ask preeeettty much all of them.

How bout some of these:
"Am I good enough?" - a personal frequent visitor in my own head
"Can I really do this?" - also a persistent one
"Am I capable of this?"
"What if I fail?" 
"Am I making a fool of myself?" 
etc....

Dang it.

So, what do we do? Notice it, and choose to engage in other more helpful thoughts. The above ones, are freaking immobilizing. So we ask ourselves (per recommendation of the article): a more helpful question, like "What question can I replace it with that will help me move forward?"

For me, a lot of my self doubt is surrounding my career lately. I love what I do, but I'm frequently doubting myself. Partly because this career is ambiguous and I'm super new at it and I'm trying to get better, but the above unhelpful thoughts are not useful. 

So, when I'm doubting my efficacy with a client or with a group, instead of the above, I change the questions to:

"How can I work to connect with this person?"
"How can I make the information easily understandable and informative, while also motivating change?" 
"How can I elicit the person to engage in their own change and support them?" 
"How much guidance does this person need?" 

Acknowledging the difficulties I face is not super fun, but its exciting when I think about the possibilities it brings up. When I'm feeling more confident and less tied in my stuff, I connect better and leave sessions feeling more capable. I am able to identify where it's coming from and move through it quickly, without wasting too much time stuck there.

What unhelpful questions do you ask yourself that suck and hold you back? ;-)

xoxo, S.

Positive Thinking

I'm all about new plans.

I have a new plan moving forward. Don't worry folks, this one is foolproof. It can't go wrong and nothing bad can come of it. 

Here it is: 

I plan to stay positive and not allow myself to fall into hopelessness or self-pity or self criticism.

You see, it turns out that I'm imperfect. And that means I mess up. Like right now, I'm 1/2 way through Ben and Jerry's Half Baked. And I already had a dessert today (organic blueberry muffin, yum!) but I still bought it from the store earlier. You see, I wanted to relax and eat something in front of the TV. Again, in isolation, this is clearly not a problem, but its part a of larger pattern for me that leads to weight gain.

But on the new plan, that's ok! Good even. On the new plan, this is perceived as a minor set back. Solution: get back on track and recognize that its time to cut down on the TV watching and eating. Result: I enjoy the ice cream (mostly although it was a bit mindless since I was watching a movie at the same time), didn't beat myself up. Cool huh? This is much more fun than my previous response which would be to beat myself, criticize myself for "failing again" and trying to decide a better plan moving forward. 

The new plan feels really good. It's now later in the day and I did finish my yogurt, but I also made 6 healthy protein rich salads, and healthy snacks for tomorrow (greek yogurt, frozen berries, and granola). 

By not beating myself up, I was free to spend the time and energy on making healthy foods for the week and cleaning out the fridge. I spent zero time berating myself internally and draining myself of any positive moods or energies. 

So that's my plan and I'm sticking to it. I'll let you know, not how it goes, but what the positive results end of being... ;-)

Self-Acceptance and Compassion Quotes

"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." - Joseph Campbell

"Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship with myself." - Nathaniel Brand

"Lack of forgiveness causes almost all of our self-sabotaging behavior." - Mark Victor Hansen

I need these quotes this morning and moving forward in this week to remember what I know to be true. Self-compassion and acceptance are hugely important for anyone. I've found them to be particularly challenging for me. Just when I think I've started to develop them, I feel they are slipping away.

This weekend for some reason my expectations for myself became unreasonably high and it stressed me out. Self-compassion is the key. I always am more productive and effective when I believe and buy into the above..

Have a good week everyone! xoxo, S.

Inside out

Do you ever have times where things are going well and you feel like if you talk about it, you will somehow disrupt the flow and mess it up? It happened to G and I the other day when we were playing "lightning" on the bball court. We both kept making shots over and over (me from the free throw line and him from the 3-point line), like at least 3-4 in a row each, and finally I commented on how awesome we were doing, and of course, I missed the next shot.

That's how I feel now, because things are going quite well with eating and exercise. I'm a little scared to write about it, for fear of scaring it away, but I also think its important for me to figure out what the heck is working so I can keep it going, so here goes... 

The main difference between now and my last post about how I was struggling, besides taking the pressure off of myself to count WW points, is that I picked up a book I had purchased a while back and started reading through and doing the steps. The book is by a woman named Renee Stephens, who is the author of a free podcast called Inside Out Weight Loss, and I've been listening to the podcasts (there are over 200 of them) for at least 4 years now (geez, I didn't realize how long until I calculated that just now). 

There are many different types of tools in the podcast and the book, many of which overlap with how psychology might intervene for eating and weight problems and a few that are different. I still remember when I first listened to the podcast, I thought she was idealistic and unrealistic about the weight struggle, but I continued listening and now I think she may just have it right. 

Renee emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between two types of motivation. "Away from" motivation is the motivation to get away from negative feelings that you might have. So, for weight loss, I am sick of feeling "weird" or anxious around food and I'm sick of being super self-critical in relation to food and my weight. I'm sick of it overtaking my life and being the only thing I think about or write about, and I want to move away from all of that crap, as quickly as I can. "Away from" motivation can also include feeling fat in your clothes or being upset that your pants no longer fit. I'm lucky in that this has not been a big factor in a while for me. I have semi-accepted my body, although I will admit I still focus on my stomach sometimes and how I would like it to look flatter/thinner/whatever.

So, most people know what their away from motivators are, but she also emphasizes the importance of "towards motivation", or what you DO want instead of struggling with weight/food issues. For me, I want to move towards living life with ease, energy, and passion. Being relaxed around and even somewhat indifferent to food because I have other things in my life that are more exciting and/or relaxing. I want to fully experience life with all the emotions it brings. 

Sometimes just the prospect of this can feel overwhelming. I just turned on an episode of Buying and Selling on HGTV last night, and after watching for about 10 minutes I was getting teary, because it was about a family who's mother had died and they needed to downsize their house to have money for the kids college funds. For me, fully experiencing the emotions of life means connecting emotionally with lots of things around me, and sometimes that means TV shows I've been watching for about 2 seconds.

Renee also emphasizes determining our reasons for overeating, and what the positive intent is for us. I figured out that part of the positive intent for me is to dampen down some of my emotional responses, because sometimes feeling all of it seems too scary or overwhelming. The positive intention is comfort and safety/security, but now that I've uncovered it, I would like to move to a place of allowing the full experience in, and embracing it.

Perhaps its my identified "towards motivation" that has helped me over the past week or so. I've definitely had a good deal of energy and felt excited and motivated at work. I've made a point to have healthy snacks available, and enjoyed the feeling of being nourished but not overly stuffed each day. 

I'm excited to continue to live life this way and it does not feel like work. The cool thing is, my weight is at a similar number as it was after my first week in WW. And to be honest, as I build muscle, I'll be less and less concerned about the number and more how I feel in my body and how my clothes fit. 

The most exciting part of all of this (and I think this may indicate a true difference in the way I'm thinking) is that I'm finding more time and energy to focus on what my dreams are, work-related or otherwise. More on that later... 

With love and excitement, xoxo, S.