Where I'm At

Back when I actually used to write on here, I wrote a lot about honesty. Lately, I have a lot of trouble writing because writing only feels good when I'm honest. Yet, I constantly feel the urge to not be completely forthcoming, and my writing ends up feeling fake.

I wrote so much about how courageous it was to be honest about where you were at. I lived it, too. I wrote about being in a new scary city and all of the life changes I was going through and I felt good about that. But lately, its become a lot harder to be honest about where I am at... mostly because I hate admitting that I'm scared.

When I type it out, I immediately want to delete it. Not only because it seems stupid but because it seems weak. Why do I have to admit on a blog that I'm scared? Keep your thoughts to yourself, Shawn, my mind tells me, it isn't anyone's business. But while this is true, that hasn't been working out so well for me. I've spent most of the past year pretending that I'm not scared and its backfiring. Logically, I'm not scared. Logically, I think everything will work out just fine. I can't see it exactly, but I do logically believe that it will. Did I say logically? But emotionally, I'm scared out of my mind that things with my career wont work out, and I wont be around people that I care about soon enough. Every small little thing that goes wrong makes me think these fears will come true, even though I believe they probably wont, and then I get mad at myself for responding in that way. Helpful, I know.

The major push in my life right now is getting through the end of the race, that is, grad school. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a great job of it, but most of the time, I feel like I'm too scared to admit I'm scared, and it leads me to spend a ton of time pretending that I'm not instead of just living my life as I am.

Again, it isn't working.

So this is me, going back to what worked before, with another push for honesty. Logically, I believe it will be fine, but logic just ain't cuttin' it. Guess its time to let the emotional side out again. Emotional ups and down are what being human is all about right? Look out, Philly...