I have a confession to make. But first, a tribute to the person who helped me make this confession publicly.
My expression of admiration is going out to Sapna, one of my classmates. Sapna is in the same year of the program as I am and we work in the same research lab. Sapna wrote about me about 2 years ago on her blog and I’ve thought about writing something about her for a while now, so here goes.
Throughout the years I’ve known Sapna (almost 3 now!) she has been a great friend. I really could not have asked for a better person to be in my lab and in my year so for that I’m very thankful. She is a great listener and has a wonderful sense of humor and tends to get along with anyone she meets. She is also very dedicated to school and even though she has been overwhelmed lately with trying to keep up with work and keep up with her various family and social commitments, she is doing a wonderful job and I admire her for her perseverance.
Besides her work ethic, there is another thing I admire Sapna for. Sapna also has a blog. Her blog actually inspired me to start mine! Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? Well I’m about to further imitate. In Sapna’s blog, she is quite candid about her thoughts and feelings in a way that I’ve always admired. In the time I’ve known her, I have enjoyed hearing about her move forward and grow as a person, both in talking with her and reading her blog. In fact, I check her blog almost every morning while I have my coffee! Her expression of her thoughts and feelings is very admirable because its brave. It seems to make a statement of, “This is me. Take it or leave it.” which is exactly the mindset I strive to have. Recently, she posted about an internal struggle she had on her vacation related to schoolwork and I could totally relate. In our field, there is quite a bit of pressure, both external and internal to work hard and it can be pretty intense! Reading about her struggles she so bravely admits to helps me normalize and admit to mine as well.
Like Sapna, I have been working really hard on school stuff lately and for the most part, really enjoying it. However, the past few weeks, I have been a little down, which doesn’t make a ton of sense at first glance.
I thought it might just have been the weather, but this hypothesis was soon shattered. After a weekend that included an awesome 6 mile run in 70 degree weather, a successful shopping trip downtown, and dinner outside on the terrace of a cute BYOB in Northern Liberties with friends, there was simply no excuse for me to still blame my lousy mood on the weather. Nope, there was something else there… so the psychologist in me went searching.
It took me a few days, but I think I figured it out. Although my life is good right now (I love school and I love living in Philly) I’m not entirely happy. There are some things in my life that I wish I could have right now that I simply do not. I’m mostly happy, sure, but I sometimes have thoughts of unhappiness or loneliness. I think, “I should be happy because I have a good life!” but those “should” statements often backfire and lead to accelerated feelings of sadness. Noticing this pattern has allowed me to shift my thinking to and not beat myself up for not always feeling how I "should" feel.
So, in the spirit of imitating Sapna again, I post these candid thoughts and feelings here. And I do so for a few reasons. First, it allows others to read and possibly relate and feel like they are not alone. Reading Sapna’s post certainly did that for me. Also, I am posting here as an expression of self acceptance, with an effort to be brave like Sapna. In others words, we are who we are, grad students with analytical minds and many thoughts and feelings... And by stating it publicly, we can say, accept us, or screw you!
“One day at a time,” she wrote to me in a recent email. Thats right. One day at a time, while learning to accept ourselves for who we are more and more each day…
Thanks again for being an awesome friend, Sapna, and for inspiring me to move forward and continue to learn and express myself. Love you!
