So much to see... so little time?

Between having my best friend and roommate move back home and reunite with my hometown friends, too much time on my facebook homepage, and the simple fact that I'm about to start the last 6 month stretch of 48 months in Philadelphia (thats 12% left, but who's counting?), there have been lots of reasons to be a little homesick lately. Combine that with the fact that 4th year also means applying to internship programs across the country and you may just become a little bit future-minded.

Although this is probably normal, it isn't all that helpful. Especially for taking advantage of this amazing city while I still can. As much as I am homesick, I really can truly appreciate where I am still, but sometimes I need to be reminded. I figured one great way to do this was to do some of the things I always said I wanted to get to, but never did. And despite the weather this weekend (sunny but windy and about 35 degrees), I finally did one of the many things I've been meaning to do for some time now. Visit Valley Forge National Historical Park.

While there, we toured recreated huts that the soldiers lived in in the Valley Forge Winter Encampment of 1977-78. We also went inside the house that George and Martha Washington (and 18 others!) lived in during that time (pictured above). That house had much of the original molding and structure from the time, which, needless to say, was pretty cool.

After that trip on Saturday, I went for a long run on Sunday over Strawberry mansion bridge and took the bus up to Fishtown for a party with 50-some people. During these events, I found myself looking around in awe and appreciation. Despite the fact that sometimes my head is so far into next year, its almost impossible to ignore the fact that this is a great city with a ton of great things to offer including great recreation, history, and great people.

If all goes well, I have just over 6 months left to really live here and make the most of it. Here are several things I plan to fit into that schedule before I make my exit:

*Go inside Independence National Historic Park (pathetic that I haven't, I know)
*Tour the Eastern State Penitentiary
*Hiking trip (Valley Forge and/or farther places... Delaware Water Gap, Appalachian Trail?)

More to come as I continue my research...

Carpe diem, yes?

Giving Thanks

I am thankful for so many things this Thanksgiving holiday weekend.

I am thankful for the wonderful Thanksgiving meal that my lovely roommate cooked for us (all by herself!) and the fact that she insisted I stay out of the kitchen which left me with a completely free conscience to drink beer and watch the Lions lose to the Patriots. The first half of decent play and the second half collapse left me with a feeling of familiarity and warmth, though the warmth may be attributable to the beer.

I am thankful for the fact that my cousin came up from DC and had dinner with us, creating a lovely 5 person Michigander Thanksgiving including Holly, her mom and aunt, and me and my cousin.

I am thankful for the game Catch Phrase and the fact that Holly's mom spent several minutes with the word 'tiara' on the tip of her tongue and while she tried to think of it spouted off 'tortilla' and 'taco' before coming to the correct one.

Finally, I am thankful for so much of this Michigan State football season. The season has truly been a great one and the fact that I got to watch them clinch their 11th win of the season for a share of the Big Ten Title is simply a delicious creamy layer of icing on this lovely cake that was this weekend.

Good start to the holiday season? I'd say so.

Where I'm At

Back when I actually used to write on here, I wrote a lot about honesty. Lately, I have a lot of trouble writing because writing only feels good when I'm honest. Yet, I constantly feel the urge to not be completely forthcoming, and my writing ends up feeling fake.

I wrote so much about how courageous it was to be honest about where you were at. I lived it, too. I wrote about being in a new scary city and all of the life changes I was going through and I felt good about that. But lately, its become a lot harder to be honest about where I am at... mostly because I hate admitting that I'm scared.

When I type it out, I immediately want to delete it. Not only because it seems stupid but because it seems weak. Why do I have to admit on a blog that I'm scared? Keep your thoughts to yourself, Shawn, my mind tells me, it isn't anyone's business. But while this is true, that hasn't been working out so well for me. I've spent most of the past year pretending that I'm not scared and its backfiring. Logically, I'm not scared. Logically, I think everything will work out just fine. I can't see it exactly, but I do logically believe that it will. Did I say logically? But emotionally, I'm scared out of my mind that things with my career wont work out, and I wont be around people that I care about soon enough. Every small little thing that goes wrong makes me think these fears will come true, even though I believe they probably wont, and then I get mad at myself for responding in that way. Helpful, I know.

The major push in my life right now is getting through the end of the race, that is, grad school. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a great job of it, but most of the time, I feel like I'm too scared to admit I'm scared, and it leads me to spend a ton of time pretending that I'm not instead of just living my life as I am.

Again, it isn't working.

So this is me, going back to what worked before, with another push for honesty. Logically, I believe it will be fine, but logic just ain't cuttin' it. Guess its time to let the emotional side out again. Emotional ups and down are what being human is all about right? Look out, Philly...

Dream analysis, baked beans, and more life lessons

Sometimes I feel like I'm always racing, even in my sleep.

In last night's dream I was running/walking this very strange and apparently solo marathon where during parts I had to army crawl through long trenches with a substance that looked like baked beans (no joke) and during the entire thing I was alone. It was not fun at all; I was exhausted and I just so badly wanted to finish the bean race. I know that my friends were off somewhere together having fun and I just wanted to go hang out.

I woke up feeling relieved that I didn't have to finish the dang thing, then I laughed. My mind seemed to come up with a potential metaphor for graduate school. One I've considered in the past and heard others endorse.

I guess it could be... Look at all of us poor graduate students slogging through dissertations with little money while others live it up. In all seriousness though, its so easy to feel like the grass is greener on the other side. To feel like your life is the long lonely marathon trudging through baked beans and everyone else is out having fun doing whatever they are doing. Occasionally, I feel like that, sure, but mostly I try to let those thoughts go and be grateful for what I do have (a flexible schedule, the constant opportunity to learn).

Though my dream would suggest otherwise, I've been pretty good lately about trying to enjoy the course as much as possible. This is true both in my running (I'm training for the half marathon in Philly in September) and my life. Sure, focusing on getting to small milestones (e.g., running to that next tree, sprinting until my iPod stops playing the Lady Gaga song, San Diego trip in October) certainly helps, but more and more, I've been trying to sit back a bit, and enjoy each part of the ride.

Along the same vein, I've been doing a little re-assessment and adjustment of my time goals for this upcoming half marathon. My original goal to beat my previous time (1:52) may just not be realistic, due to time constraints, ridiculous heat waves, and paucity of training partners. So does that mean I can't enjoy the race? The obvious answer is no - so my new goal is to be healthy and enjoy training and a respectable time on my 5th half marathon. That is, to enjoy the ride, baby. And possibly to avoid any baked bean trenches on the course.

Philly Mud Run

I ran the Philly Down and Dirty Mud Series 10K this morning. Only my 2nd 10K ever and very different from the last (which was relatively flat and sans mud pit). Besides knowing it would involve 6.2 miles of terrain and various "Army-style" obstacles, I wasn't sure what to expect. In particular, I wasn't sure how my body would take it.

Amazingly, I didn't overanalyze (shocking, I know). I didn't even really look over the course map beforehand. I simply told myself I would get up early on this lovely sunny Sunday, carpool to Fairmount park with some running friends, and slosh through whatever obstacles were thrown at me. Oh yeah, and have fun.

The course was pretty great and the weather was hot (about 85 and sunny) but much of the race was through shady back trails of Fairmount Park so the heat wasn't too problematic. The runners were relatively spread out based on a wave start and even the small lines at each obstacle weren't bad, in fact, when they occurred after long winding hills through the woods, they were quite welcomed. Overall, a very cool race I would definitely do again. The way I see it, anytime I scale walls, climb over huge barriers, army-crawl under cargo nets, scale seemingly endless hills, and slosh through a river and a final enormous pit of mud before 10am, it is a pretty accomplished day.

Take-home messages?:
1) Running is awesome. And almost any running race and its associated hurdles can provide a metaphor for life goals and inevitable twists, turns, and obstacles.
2) Philly has pretty awesome trail running if you know where to go (and less than a few miles from my apartment!).
3) Sometimes, and perhaps all times, its better to just relax and enjoy the ride.

Oh yeah, and 4) Mud is almost impossible to fully remove from shoes.

Quarter-Life Crisis?

I walked out of Borders the other day and took a quick glad at the items I purchased: 1) A Runner's Guide to the Meaning of Life by Amby Burfoot, 2) Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl; and 3) a blank journal.

Soon after, I saw a workshop that was previously conducted at the counseling center called 'How to Manage the Quarter-Life Crisis' and my brain lit up with recognition.

Given these events, I'm ready to acknowledge the possibility that I am experiencing some soul-searching questions. This isn't necessarily a new thing, but I figure the fact that I'm at least ready to admit it is somewhat new and perhaps promising?

Time will tell, but I'm feeling pretty optimistic about it.

Back to the basics, + homemade lemonade cubes

After another 80 degree and sunny day in the great city of Philadelphia, I feel its time for me to make a summer statement. Its time for me to say farewell to those winter blues and the slightly negative mindset I've adopted over the past several months. You see, I've fallen into making a common mistake way too often. The mistake I am referring to is dwelling on what you don't have instead of relishing and appreciating what you do.

I've spent the majority of the past several months powering through cold weather and masters theses, always working towards a better tomorrow. Of course working hard is always good, but the more I worked in that way the less time I remembered to take to appreciate the present. Its the, 'If I can just get to the end of February, and then just to the end of the year' attitude and it really needs to go.

I was actually much better at living in the moment during my first year of graduate school (granted, I got pretty much no actual work done), and as I approach the end of my third year, I realize I have slipped a bit (though I did actually learn to be productive, yay!). Now, I am taking a good look at the current me and the old me and realizing its time to go back to some old present-moment-living habits while pulling my newly productive self forward.

So here's to a summer of appreciating what I do have, minimal dwelling on what I don't, and making the best of each day in this lovely city I live in. For example, today, although I'm inside on this lovely day because my immune system is ruthlessly attacking tree pollen invaders, I'm still relishing in my genius idea of making Crystal light lemonade ice cubes (and no, I didn't take a picture of my cubes, though I wouldn't put it past me, google pics just has everything). There's a really obvious lemons reference here but I will refrain. Happy summer to you all. I'll see you on the flip side with more relishing pics soon.

Long overdue expression of admiration and appreciation

I have a confession to make. But first, a tribute to the person who helped me make this confession publicly.

My expression of admiration is going out to Sapna, one of my classmates. Sapna is in the same year of the program as I am and we work in the same research lab. Sapna wrote about me about 2 years ago on her blog and I’ve thought about writing something about her for a while now, so here goes.

Throughout the years I’ve known Sapna (almost 3 now!) she has been a great friend. I really could not have asked for a better person to be in my lab and in my year so for that I’m very thankful. She is a great listener and has a wonderful sense of humor and tends to get along with anyone she meets. She is also very dedicated to school and even though she has been overwhelmed lately with trying to keep up with work and keep up with her various family and social commitments, she is doing a wonderful job and I admire her for her perseverance.

Besides her work ethic, there is another thing I admire Sapna for. Sapna also has a blog. Her blog actually inspired me to start mine! Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? Well I’m about to further imitate. In Sapna’s blog, she is quite candid about her thoughts and feelings in a way that I’ve always admired. In the time I’ve known her, I have enjoyed hearing about her move forward and grow as a person, both in talking with her and reading her blog. In fact, I check her blog almost every morning while I have my coffee! Her expression of her thoughts and feelings is very admirable because its brave. It seems to make a statement of, “This is me. Take it or leave it.” which is exactly the mindset I strive to have. Recently, she posted about an internal struggle she had on her vacation related to schoolwork and I could totally relate. In our field, there is quite a bit of pressure, both external and internal to work hard and it can be pretty intense! Reading about her struggles she so bravely admits to helps me normalize and admit to mine as well.

Like Sapna, I have been working really hard on school stuff lately and for the most part, really enjoying it. However, the past few weeks, I have been a little down, which doesn’t make a ton of sense at first glance.

I thought it might just have been the weather, but this hypothesis was soon shattered. After a weekend that included an awesome 6 mile run in 70 degree weather, a successful shopping trip downtown, and dinner outside on the terrace of a cute BYOB in Northern Liberties with friends, there was simply no excuse for me to still blame my lousy mood on the weather. Nope, there was something else there… so the psychologist in me went searching.

It took me a few days, but I think I figured it out. Although my life is good right now (I love school and I love living in Philly) I’m not entirely happy. There are some things in my life that I wish I could have right now that I simply do not. I’m mostly happy, sure, but I sometimes have thoughts of unhappiness or loneliness. I think, “I should be happy because I have a good life!” but those “should” statements often backfire and lead to accelerated feelings of sadness. Noticing this pattern has allowed me to shift my thinking to and not beat myself up for not always feeling how I "should" feel.

So, in the spirit of imitating Sapna again, I post these candid thoughts and feelings here. And I do so for a few reasons. First, it allows others to read and possibly relate and feel like they are not alone. Reading Sapna’s post certainly did that for me. Also, I am posting here as an expression of self acceptance, with an effort to be brave like Sapna. In others words, we are who we are, grad students with analytical minds and many thoughts and feelings... And by stating it publicly, we can say, accept us, or screw you!

“One day at a time,” she wrote to me in a recent email. Thats right. One day at a time, while learning to accept ourselves for who we are more and more each day…

Thanks again for being an awesome friend, Sapna, and for inspiring me to move forward and continue to learn and express myself. Love you!

Productivity and Priorities

I have been thinking quite a bit lately about priorities. The idea is simple, right? You set priorities and you live by them. But lately, I'm realizing it doesn't always work like that. What if your priorities are out of whack for years of your life but you never realize it? Let me tell ya from experience and recent reflection, it can create a lot of confusion.

I have always valued living a healthy lifestyle. The idea of it just excites me and always has. Hell, I devoted my career to it. So obviously, I live it, right? Always sleeping 8 hours a night... Always eating well... Exercising... Etc. But as you may have guessed, the story goes a bit deeper than that...

What happens when you have a lot of other values and goals in your life that you want to put on the top of your priority list? Lets say that you value your health, but also your family, your friends, your education, and your happiness. Just for kicks we'll throw in running, extracurricular activities, being in a relationship, excelling in school, going above and beyond to win awards and go onto the next educational step, reading and improving knowledge of world events, learning to play guitar, learning about new beer, keeping up with the NFL and placing winning bets, following Spartan basketball and football, traveling, community service, and tutoring. That enough? Because I could go on...

When I write it all out, I feel like an idiot. But literally, that list represents a pretty good chunk of the values/goals I've had in my life, a lot during college but I was still trying to fit many of them in in grad school as well. Great aspirations, right? The problem? I TRIED TO DO THEM ALL AT ONCE.

Ironically, the very first things that goes out the door as a default? Sleep. Eating or drinking substances that don't contain caffeine. And meals that take more than 2 minutes in a microwave to prepare (thats not entirely true, sometimes I made boxed Pasta Roni which takes about 15 including scarfing 2 servings and a quick clean up). And we all know what that leads to, but in case you don't, I'll paint you a picture. It leads to a manic student who is constantly completely exhausted yet still pounding Monster drinks to pull all-nighters to study for a Advanced Physio exam that she took as an elective.

Ironically, during college and even a bit into grad school until very recently, I honestly did not see the connection. I thought if I worked hard enough things would get better, stress would go down, things would get easier, I would just have to improve. Meanwhile, I'm giving my body 3-4 hours a night on weekdays and binge-sleeping on the weekends, shoving my face with whatever foods are nearby, drinking inordinate amounts of sugar free (healthy) red bull, bags of Baked (healthy) lays, and powering through like its all okay. I look back at my old journal entries and emails to friends about my level of utter exhaustion and fatigue and its SO SO clear to me now.

The solution? Health FIRST, other things, second, and prioritized by true importance to me. In other words, start listening to those flight attendants! Put your own oxygen masks on first. Otherwise you're gonna do a half-ass job of everything anyways and be semi-miserable the entire time due to exhaustion and poor health, so whats the point? And set your priorities in ways that really reflect what you value. For me, writing witty comments in a blog, learning to master the guitar, and training to win marathons are not priorities right now (hence the several month hiatus from blogging). What are my priorities? I finally figured it out: 1) health and well-being, then we have 2) my education, 3) socializing (friends, family, MSU alumni club), 4) and pursuing other activities as time permits. Its really that simple.

Making this simple list and mentally referring back to it as I make choices on how to spend my time has made me about a billion times happier and healthier. I prioritize time for sleep, healthy eating, exercise, and restful relaxation over all other things and low and behold, productivity actually improves on the things that make the top of the list! I'm powering through my masters thesis, enjoying it more than ever, and I'm days ahead in my school work. And, I'm doing more restful things than ever without feeling guilty (e.g., Scrubs episodes are my current mindless activity). The only other difference is I've had to accept the fact that perhaps I wont conquer the world of music, blogging, travel, and sports during grad school and perhaps not ever depending on how my priorities evolve. But guess what? If I decide I want to make set those things farther up on the list, I can. And I like having that kind of power over my life. After all those years of fighting for it. Who knew a simple priority shift was so key? The only difference, I no longer believe I can do it all at once while maintaining my sanity.

Sadly, blogging is not so high on the list right now, so you will likely hear from me less as my program becomes more intense and priorities continue to shift. But since I'm so ahead on my work today, I just thought I would share how one simple adjustment in that list has changed thing for me. On my way out, I'll just pose this simple question, do you know what your priorities are???