Not trying to be cynical, but we are all kinda like Ebenezer

When you hear the word selfish, who do you think of? Your friend who always goes out drinking with the group yet never offers to drive? Ebenezer Scrooge and his miserly ways? Or the young man who volunteers his time every Saturday at the local soup kitchen? Obviously, the first two people are selfish, and the other is selfless... right? Well as of late, I'm not so sure... and more and more I'm starting to think that maybe all 3 of them, and maybe all people, are actually selfish.

Let me step back and explain. What does it even mean to be selfish? Clearly the term has a negative connotation. Even the official dictionary definition kinda makes me cringe: 'concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.' Yuck - sounds like a crappy trait to me, and definitely not something to aspire to...

But maybe the word selfish just caught a bad rap. I mean, why is anyone motivated to do anything? As much as I hate to admit it, in the end, it always seems to boil down to some personal gain. That is, people make the choices they make because, pros and cons considered, each decision gets them closer to what they want, or what they think they want, at that time. So in this way, we all make 'selfish' decisions all the time.

Take the controversial example of the noble volunteer. Why does the soup kitchen guy volunteer on Saturdays? Maybe he wants to put it on his college application. Or maybe he has a crush on the girl that volunteers that day. Maybe it gives him a sense of purpose in life. Or maybe he is just bored. Regardless of what his true motivation is, he is doing it for some type of personal gain, whether immediate or eventual.

How about that person who is constantly bending over backwards for someone else - be it a friend or a significant other. You know who I'm talking about, they will do whatever the other person wants, even if it completely puts them out. Certainly they aren't being selfish, right? However, I bet if you look closely, or could know the person's innermost thoughts, you'd find that for whatever reason, at that point in time, maintaining that relationship trumphs whatever hardship they have to endure to do so.

Even when I think about choices I've made that might appear selfless (e.g., volunteering, helping out friends, making sacrifices for the people I care about), I know that I made these choices because they provided me with something I wanted, and have ultimately made me a happier person. Even looking back to times I was bending over backwards for others and not quite happy about it, at the time it was worth it to maintain that relationship. And it was only when the cons outweighed the pros for me did I stand up for myself and make some change in the relationship.

If you are uncomfortable reading this, I feel your pain. This whole notion of 'everyone being selfish' doesn't sit well with me either. The whole time I've been writing this, I've been kinda squirming around in my seat and wondering if I should even post it. However, no matter how much I try, I cannot think of a situation in which this idea does not apply.

Whether you call it 'selfishness' or something else, the idea that we all make choices for personal gain is not really that appealing, yet seems consistent and pervasive across various contexts. However, there may be benefits to realizing that it is okay to do what you want, and accepting that others are going to do the same. For me at least, it provides perspective and understanding, and a more productive way to view relationships. Whether it be close friendships, acquaintances, or romantic relationships, both people will be doing what they want and this is likely to explain where the relationship goes...